men after divorce - divorce recovery for men
men after divorce
Don’t Worry - You Can, and WILL Survive This Divorce and be Happy Once More in Weeks, not Years!

divorce advice for men

From: Kyle Morrison

Re: Men After Divorce

Friday 26th May 2011

Dear Friend,

I know how bad you must feel right now. The anger, the pain, the sadness, the feelings of uselessness and emasculation, and if you have kids, the pain of being separated from them while having the world look down at you like you are a bad father and husband - no matter what the truth of the matter is!

This is life after divorce for men like us. I also know just how little help there seems to be in this situation as well. Even your closest friends can be of no emotional help and might even appear distant and loathe to engage you on these issues. Sometimes your entire friend network can be ripped asunder by the divorce as well making these limited points of social contact much more difficult to obtain!

No matter what people might think - it is tough, it aggravating, and it is depressing!

Even worse than that are the frightening statistics and facts about divorced men such as:

x Three fold increase in the number of suicides amongst divorced men
x Increased risk of anxiety disorders and panic attacks
x Massive increase in cases of clinical depression
x Loss of purpose on life
x Trouble reconnecting with life and happiness.
x Poor performance at work leading to reduces career advancement
x Recurring bad thoughts and memories that stifle your days.
x Incredibly low self esteem and sense of self worth
x Trouble trusting and finding love again.
x Feeling like less of a man - emasculation
x Incredible financial stress bordering on poverty

Perhaps Some of These Seem Familiar to You?

Now listen, I don’t bring these things up to further depress you or make you feel bad in any way, but I did want to make sure I understand your plight because I have been there too and I have researched it myself.

The other reason is to make sure you know what you could be leaving behind. Not your marriage of course – all the fallout from the divorce I mean. At this stage you might be struggling to live day to day and just want to feel a little better than the day before.

Most men end up slowly recovering to a point where they are functional again, but have simply learned to live with regret and develop a certain bitter resentment that bubbles below the surface. You know what – I don’t want this to happen to you!

I Want You to Dare to Dream a Little!

That’s right - dream. Think well beyond the misery of today and what you really want out of life!

Now I know what you might be thinking. “Sounds great – but I can hardly cope with today and dealing with the hassles of tomorrow – how can I look beyond that now?!” or maybe you are stuck at “All I want is my wife and family back to the way it was!”

Common thoughts - ones I have experienced myself in fact. I know first hand that it is hard, but it CAN be done and the benefits are enormous!

Imagine this:

1 Being able to be happy once again, every day
1 Being independent and not dependant on a partner
1 Being able to love and trust women once more
1 Knowing you are a good father and doing the right thing by your children
1 Freeing yourself of anxiety and panic
1 Freeing yourself of anger and lingering resentment
1 Feeling full of self worth and free of low self esteem
1 Being in total control of your finances
1 Having control of your own destiny!

Is This What You Want in Your Life?

If so, I want to help you achieve these things, and I want to help by giving you access to the information that will guide you on this journey because from years of suffering, experience and self searching, combined with months of research into the psychological reasons why we suffer so much as men after divorce - I have compiled what you need to know to thrive after divorce not just survive

Introducing:

Men After Divorce - The Complete Guide for Post Divorce Recovery

surviving life after divorce for men

The most comprehensive and revolutionary guide to completely overcoming the deep psychological causes of emotional anguish in men after divorce, along with practical advice for men recovering from divorce, and how to get on with life afterwards!

I know what you are thinking – “This sounds too good to be true” – and a few years ago I might have agreed with you too! So let me cut to the chase …

Before I released this book on this site I offered it for free to just 100 guys who found their way to my site, desperately looking for some help and advice, so they could cope with pos-divorce life.

I wanted to make sure this was not just me having some ego trip and wanted real, honest, brutal feedback – this is just some of the comments I received:

“Really Insightful”

divorce survivorI found your divorce recovery guide to be really insightful and helpful. It made me realise how I was causing so much misery to myself. This has stopped now, thank you.

Peter - New York

“Life changing”

post divorce life for menHi Kyle, Your guide really got me out of a dark place that I felt trapped in. Some of the advice you give has been life changing, I am so glad you wrote this because so much of it is right on the money.

Charles - Ontario

“Thank you”

Thank you for your excelent advise. Your book was like finding a sturdy rope to hang onto. I,m in the proccess of climbing out of this dreadfull hole.

Alfonso

This is Your Chance to Get Your Life Back!

I was excited that this E-Book was making a real difference in men’s lives and I want to be able to help you achieve similar results! Nothing inspires me more than hearing of men who found it hard to even get out of bed suddenly find the willpower and purpose to change their life for the better. Nothing is more important to me than making a real difference in helping men be happy once more.

Using the methods in this E-Book WILL get you through this rough patch in life and WILL enable you a full recovery from divorce WITHOUT the baggage that so many other men carry with them their entire lives.

Do you really want to be continually dragged down by bad memories, unresolved issues and deep emotional scars? Can you really handle more months and years of emotional turmoil and life draining depression?

Or do you want to live a happy, dynamic, new and exciting life with a bright future and a completely new take on what success, fatherhood and being a man is all about? Do you want the opportunity to reform your life and make it greater than it was before despite all of the problems from your divorce.

 

“Great to have a male view and support”

I think your book is a good starting point for guys in my position and it gives us some really good things to think about ... i currently am going to a counselor and my wife is not but i am doing it more for me and the future than anything else. I have been trying to read as much as i can find on the subject but most of the things written or talked about are geared for the women, so it is great to have a male view and support.

John

“Worked for me!”

Your e-book really worked for me! I was vry skeptical and thought I would be wasting my money. But it allowed me to see everythign including my ex-wife and my divorce and a lot of other things in a totally new light!

Ramesh - Indiana

Divorce is NOT The End of Your Story!

Divorce is the start of a whole new brighter chapter with you now tempered in the furnace of life and stronger for it. To help you adjust to your new life and achieve these things, these are some of the things that you will learn how to do

1 You will understand the brain mechanics that cause all your emotional pain.
1 You will know the exact phases of grief you will need to go through, and how to move through them with ease.
1 You will know powerful mental exercises to deal with painful memories, and learn how to use positive memories to propel you forward!
1 You will understand one of the most powerful actions you can possible take: Forgiveness - but it might not be what you think it is!
1 You will understand how to be happy no matter what happens to you in life!
1 And much more!

Imagine Your Life Being Happily Divorced

It sounds like a ridiculous concept right? Happily divorced, two words that seem cannot co-exist together and yet there are so many men who are happy with their new life after divorce; even if they went through hell to get there!

Imagine waking up each day positive, full of energy and ready for the day ahead. Imagine having children who are happy and yourself being a good father despite their parents split. Imagine having direction and purpose in life that can never be shaken. Imagine being free from destructive relationships.

Imagine being in control of your own destiny, your own mind, and your own emotions.

This is what you can do if you act now.

“Just in time”

Thank you for your timely help. I was close to breaking down from all this pressure and shit that life was throwing at me. I didn't want to be like my mates who had been divorced and i dont think i will after reading your book. This came just in time for me, thanks!

Callum - Newcastle

How to Get Started

Getting started on changing your post-divorce life with Men After Divorce - The Complete Guide for Post Divorce Recovery is very easy. The cost for this comprehensive guide is just $49.95 $37 - This price was reached by a survey of those 100 men who read the book and this seemed the most reasonable price to them.

Even though the the cost is very reasonable (The cost of a bottle of wine or a decent meal), here is what's really important.

If this was just a motivational booklet that might provide a brief moment of inspiration but offer no LASTING solutions to your dilemma, you would feel frustrated and ripped off no matter what the price was.

However, if you can feel a dramatic change in how you view the world and how you handle your emotional turmoil, what is that worth to you? If you can look back on your day and know that you have been a good man and a good father despite your situation, what is that worth to you? If you can wake up and see unlimited potential instead of a dead end every day ... and start achieving that potential! What is this really worth to you?

I believe that it is very hard to place a price tag on these things. I do believe however that compared to living through years of uncertainty, emasculation, depression, and low self esteem, spending a paltry $49.95 $37 could be the best decision you ever make.

So, to stop the soul crushing post-divorce troubles that plague you, the quickest and easiest way is to use a secure order for the digital download of this guide. You will get instant access to the complete E-Book which you can immediately download and and act upon right away now matter hat the time is right now!

100% GuaranteeLimited Time Offer!

If you are seeing this message then a limited time offer is still in place with the cost of this life changing guide being just $37. The cost of advertising on the internet is getting higher though so this will not last. Get you copy now and secure this bargain!

Not only this, but I am offing an IRON CLAD 60 Day Money Back Guarantee. We stand behind our product 100%. Receive a NO questions asked, complete refund within 60 days if you are not totally satisfied with your purchase

I Want to Make This Guarantee Totally Clear

I have 100% confidence in my product so you can download this E-Book and you have a full 60 days to read it, implement it and be amazed by the results. In this time you can get a NO questions asked complete refund if you choose.

I am sure that once you start feeling empowered, happy, and free of post divorce depression you will not need to do this!

Order "Men After Divorce" Now!

Yes, I want to order this revolutionary guide and take back my life,
my happiness, and my manhood!

Sale Price $37

order
  • As this is an E-Book you will receive no physical product. To cut down on the expense of printing a book and to give the fastest delivery time you will get this guide as a PDF document which can be viewed from any computer with Adobe Acrobat installed.
  • To ensure the absolute safety of your online purchase the Men After Divorce E-Book will be handled by clickbank.com the internet's most trusted online purchasing system that guarantees absolute privacy and full customer support.
  • The screen after you click on the order button will be on clickbank's secure server which will process the purchase then direct you to the download page.
  • Your bank account will show CLKBNK*COM for the purchase and you will a confirmation email as well.

So remember, all you have to lose by getting this guide is the guilt, the bad memories, the low self esteem, and the general emotional turmoil of post divorce life.

You will gain all the advice and information that you need to end this cycle of self destruction and build a better, brighter future in just weeks and not YEARS like so many other men.

Not only this, but the same processes you learn in this guide will give you a framework on how to deal with any type of grief. It will also help you to maintain happiness and positive frames of mind no matter what life throws at you. All this at no risk & everything to gain!

order>

divorce advice for menAll the Best,

Kyle Morrison

Follow Kyle Morrison on Google+, Facebook, or Twitter!

 

Please Feel Free To Comment and Ask Questions!

Matt
December 27th, 2010 - 10:15

I am 9 months into a seperation and I feel it isnt getting any easier,I was a good father and looked after my family,now I am seen as a bad person by her family who were so close. I feel like I just want to be left alone. Your book looks good but I am sceptical of self help books. I am in therapy and I am trying my best but the pain grips you and the gut wrenching feeling wont go away.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
December 27th, 2010 - 17:26

Hi Matt,

I understand that gut-wrenching feeling all too well. I also understand your scepticism of self help books - especially on the internet.

While I want to get you excited by the possibilities that can come from implementing the teachings in my E-book in my sales letter we all know there is no magic bullet to changing your entire way of life when it comes to divorce and separation.

What I do want to say is that the concepts in this book are based on sound psychology that will help you change over time to be the person you want to be and the men who have reviewed this book have all been extremely forthcoming with praise in the results it has given them. If you follow the process of understanding your own subconscious mind and implement the mental tricks offered in the book then you will find your actions and moods over time normalising and a new understanding of your life and purpose will evolve. In fact this can be used for many other parts of life not just recovering from divorce!

This is because the power to do this is within YOU, my guide will simply teach you how to unlock this potential.

Furthermore, the 100% money back guarantee is rock solid. If you do not feel any better from the teachings form this book then I do not want you to be out of pocket in any way and will refund your money in a few days - but i am certain you will not need to!

Best of luck Matt. Not just from myself, but from all the divorced guys who have been through the same horrid situation as yourself and have lived to tell the tale.

Robin
February 3rd, 2011 - 17:12

Hey brothers! Keep going. Get on this guy's program. Read. Pray. Talk 'it' out; whatever 'it' is, at the particular moment for you. This stuff is hard work. It's challenging. It's often as scary as hell for a lot of guys. Others can bluff their way through. But if you want to find a reasonable place to stand, within yourself and maintain your sanity and equalibrium; you must engage some kind of constructive process. If you get angry and go quiet, you start to get toxic inside. Not good. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Tune in to your feelings because they are driving a lot of the turmoil in your life. Start a journal and write what you are feeling and what your reactions are to the various situations that have occurred. And keep wriitng, the process gets a lot of the stuff out of your head, and onto the page. Join a men's group that you feel appropriate for you. Get some exercise. Eat wisely. Get off the booze, gambling and bonking. Look after yourself. Remember, you know the difference between right and wrong. Speak kind words to your kids. They are feelings magnets. Wake up to yourself, don't vicariously abuse these defenceless people. Always speak and act well aroung them. Believe it or not; this war is not about what's going on between your ex and you. It's what's going on in your mind and your heart. These are all reactions, reflecting your personal development and maturity. So, how you're reacting is a barometer of your emotional maturity level. Time to take an inventory of where you're at. Be real and authentic with the answers and results. They'll be a compass for you. Get on the program! You're never as good or as bad as you think you are. Best regards.....Robin

David
February 10th, 2011 - 16:01

I am only 4 mos into my separation, but I have been experiencing almost all of the effects mentioned in the article. It is beginning to get scary because this process is starting to hurt me physically as well as emotionally and mentally. My chest and stomache actually hurts at the thought of what she doing and who with. We were married 13 years, in addition to low selfesteem I'm also experiencing a since of handicapness. She initiated the separation, but the process is at a stand still because she can't finish paying for the divorce. Now, there is someone who is willing to spend time with me despite my mental state and I'm scared because I feel like I'm cheating.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
February 10th, 2011 - 17:29

Hi David,

All of us divorced guys really feel for you, we have all been in similar places from various circumstances. All that stress and worry will affect your physical health too, your immune system is very low right now as well because of it all so stay healthy ok.

On the matter of moving on, this can be very tricky and it is different for every guy. Before you can ever have a proper relationship with another women you need to be right in your own head you see, but some relationships after divorce can be exceptionally good for you as well - though beware that many do not last. They are transitional.

The bottom line is that if the marriage is not going to be saved then you have to move on from where you are. This is not an easy or short process btu I describe how you can go about it in my e-book. It is about your own sense of self that is most important, not what your ex or other people think.

As for this new lady, I would be very honest with her about where you are emotionally. If you desperately need companionship do not shy away from it, but the battle is in your own mind first and foremost.

Remember, the past is gone, you cannot change it, and therefore you cannot worry about it. The only thing you can affect is your own actions into the future. You will always feel emotional pain, but how you react to it is what makes you the man you want to be.

Nadja
February 11th, 2011 - 17:03

Hello there, I am looking for such a support since a longer time for a very good friend of mine. He feels exactly how it was described at the beginning. But it was him who asked for the divorce. He does not regret it but he is anyhow going emotionally through the hell - her ex with a big physocologically damage, the kids seeing her mum like that, him trying to help where he can and trying to be a good father, but loosing friends and selfconfidence as being considered as a bad person etc.... As it might make a difference in argumentation who was the leaving part, I want to be sure that I am not doing a mistake by bying it. I dont want to make him worse. So do you think this book would be anyhow done for him? (sorry for my English;-) Thanks a lot. Best wishes, Nadja

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
February 11th, 2011 - 18:37

Hi Nadja,

The same loss of confidence, self esteem, and loss of identity as a father and husband can be found in men if they initiated the divorce or not. In fact, because of societies view of men and divorce, in either case, men receive a huge amount of pressure and negative reactions from the world at large. I knew a man who divorced an abusive and drug addicted wife and was labelled as a monster by some even though he did it to protect his children!

I believe the content in my ebook will help your friend, but they must always be open to receiving some help. I did mainly aim it at men whose wife divorced them but the same ideas will help no matter who initiated if they are feeling the same experiences i mention on this page.

If your friend is not happy with the book please feel free to enact the refund in 60 days also as I do not want you to be put out of pocket if we are not helping your friend - but if he gets something out of it then I hope we have both done our part to help a man in distress which is the most ignored part of society sometimes.

Doug
February 20th, 2011 - 18:31

Hello, I am recently divorced, everything was finalized in November, have been doing a lot of things for me and going though the process of rebuilding mylife. Long story short, I was with my ex-wife a little over 2 years, including dating, engagement, and marriage. I thought because of the relatively short time span that we were together I did not have a big problem....not the case at all. So, right now I am doing my best to take steps to go though the unaviodable experience and difficulties so I can become the best version of myself. I am open to advice, input, and ways of help. Believe me, I have made mistakes and done things to try to coop with my problems that were self destructive. I am hopeful for the future. I am young, 28, and know that I have a long life ahead of myself. Please feel free to give me any and all feed back.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
February 21st, 2011 - 02:49

Hi Doug,

It sounds like you have moved through a number of stages of grief which we all go through after divorce so well done! It sometimes does not matter how long we were married, that commitment made – if it was made with a heartfelt promise to yourself – changes how you see yourself. This massive shift in your perception of self becomes very painful when you are suddenly forced back out of it.

So my advice to you is to concentrate on finding out who you really are and not focus on what you were. Do not focus on your ex-wife either, in fact, over time you will learn to forgive her and yourself because it will not influence your life any longer.

Now is the time to work out who you really are, because having that firm sense of self worth and identity is key to divorce recovery.

JERRY
February 28th, 2011 - 09:39

Iam looking at your web site aand like everybody else am vary unsure if it will help or not. I was together with my ex-wife for 16 years total and like every marriage we had our ups and downs. I even had thoughts every once in a while that the grass would be greener but never acted on it.My ex had a histerectomy about a year and half ago and is on harmon theripy but and decided she wanted a divorce last september and we have been divorced sence december but until about 3 weeks ago were still doing everything!!! like we were still married. She wanted to date and i finally(for the sake of the children)told her to start that and took the rest of my things out of the house. This has hit me hard to where i am seeing a theripist and hardly can get through most days because i have made myself not call her or text her to try and let her move on but she says thats good but then will text me to see how i am doing or whatever and i cant tell not to because i am still in love with her. Ours kids resent her because she go"s out every weekend and is know dating and she cant see what it is doing to the girls and i have tried to explain it to her but she is bent on having a life.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
March 1st, 2011 - 02:10

Hi Jerry,

An amiable divorce as yours seems to be is anything but easy is it? In fact this is one of the worst kinds because clearly you are both still entangled with each others lives. This is a necessity when children are involved of course, but it seems to me that your focus is very much on her and not yourself.

To be blunt, you cannot change her mind, you cannot change her actions. The only thing you can control in this awful time is yourself. Focusing on yourself is the only way to be able to move on and be happier. It is also the only way you are going to be a good father to your kids. I am not saying you should not love her - but you have to let her go.

This is letting go of that denial that the marriage if over which is the first stage of divorce recovery. After this usually comes anger. From your post you might focus on all the help you have given her during her hysterectomy and other things, and of course the anguish she is causing her daughters. There are more stages, finally ending in forgiveness, but this takes time and an understanding of your own psychology.

I hope that helps somewhat. It is impossible to be an online therapist for you - and you are seeing one anyway. As for buying my book, it is not a one shot cure for anything, but it is a process you can move towards with some very important and simple truths that we all must take into account.

I want to help, which is why I have a refund policy - if you get it and think it is a pile of crap, get your money back. Email me even and i will lodge the request for you! This is a risk free method to get some self help. I wish you the best of luck Jerry.

Betsy
March 7th, 2011 - 17:23

My best friend is going through a very difficult time as he deals with the stages of divorce.  This Email book sounds perfect for him but he does not use the computer.  Can i buy this online and print it out or is there a comparable hard copy that covers some of these topics?  Let me know, thanks, Betsy

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
March 7th, 2011 - 17:54

Hi Betsy,

I do not have the capability to produce a quality physical product, but you are very welcome to purchase this and print a copy out for your friend yes. As long as it is not distributed you are free to make a hard copy oft he e-book.

I do hope it helps your friend through this rough period in his life. I have had a number of people purchase this book for other people and it seems to have helped in many cases.

Enrique
March 10th, 2011 - 23:50

After almost a 20 year marriage, together totally for 25 my wife and I got divorced. We have 2 kids(11 & 14) and they are doing well. We tried to get along and I ended up telling her to file. I was who I am, I provided and did not cheat and was tired of being treated like a child rather than a spouse. I found that she was texting other men but she denide any goings on until the last text I found was from a friend who told her "Its hard staying away from you"... this all after I thought she was having some kind of relationship with another male friend a few years prior and I was getting over that. The divorce is final, but she is miserable and I cannot help her. She is negative and cannot get out of her depression. She calls me and unloads on how I was wrong and never accepts her part of the problem. Her tone of voice makes me cringe. I am trying to move on. The Divorce was final in August. I started dating and met a woman in December who is very special to me (She is also recently Divorced). I care for my ex. She is the mother of my kids and we shared a great deal of our life together but I need her to let go but she is so angry to the point its making me hate her. I am healing and ready to move on with my life but the problem I have is trusting woman again. I dont want to go out and meet tons of other woman. The woman I see now came from a relationship where her ex was on the couch the last 10 years. I treat her with respect, I treat her kids with respect. The problem I have is trusting that she or any other woman wont hurt me. Its bad enough that the insecurity makes me very sad and I dont want to scare my new friend away. The other problem is when do I introduce my new friend to my children. Im afraid of the reaction of my ex wife. Do I just man up and handle it head on and except waht ever reaction my ex has? Thanks for your insight and I will get your book!

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
March 18th, 2011 - 21:03

Hi Enrique,

Thanks for sharing. I am sure your story is very similar to so many other men in a similar position who visit this site. I hope the book helps with these problems, but in addition to this I just wanted to say that when it comes to children it is better to be honest with them. They are smarter and more perceptive that we give them credit for most of the time and adjust quickly and well - if you lead the way by living well.

Good luck!

Terry
June 20th, 2011 - 13:30

Fell out of bed felieng down. This has brightened my day!

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
July 1st, 2011 - 05:40

Hi Terry,

I am glad it has brightened your day! All the best.

oniel
August 2nd, 2011 - 13:41

i have been in a relationship for seven years but has been now married for rour years.we both have four children together who are all under seven years old.i never grew up with my parents and i see what it has caused me and so i grew with a passion for having a family of my own.i love my wife dearl but i also has caused her much pain both physical and emotional abuse during our time together, which i deeply regret before we got married and i started to learn better but for my wife it was hard to get over.we have been separated times before and i talked her back into coming bac or she would ask for a chance back into my life when it was clearly bad on her part.april 2010 we separated and i leave her alone and negleted all my roles cause it always has a significantly negative impact on me(mentall and emotionally) to see that i really LOSE out on the ONLY thing that i have ever truly desire. in my head it is my only reason to live and now that i am not with them, i might as well DIE..i cant see my purpose of living again and i can accomplish nothing again caus my family was my physical motivation..i have counselled alot but this one i seem to cant manage. however we got back in december 2010 where i asked for a divorce but she refuse and we decided to work out things,,only to see she now wants to divorce and the worst part of it is that for all the time we have ever separated she was never involved with no one but for this time i have a great feeling that she is seeing someone....THIS REALLY BRING OUT THE RAGE ,ANGER, TEMPER AND BITTERNESS IN ME.....PLEASE HELP ME CAUSE I KNOW THAT I AM NOT LIVING A LIFE .....please note that i am now in another country from her.....PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
September 4th, 2011 - 01:31

Hi Oniel,

There is so much to explain to you that it cannot fit in this little box here. Head over to the blog and start a conversation there, or get my guide which will show you exactly where these feelings truly come from - and how to combat them.

Brenda
August 2nd, 2011 - 18:30

Hi, Is this book available in hard or soft cover or only electronically Thank you, Brenda

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
August 2nd, 2011 - 21:39

Hi Brenda,

At this stage the book is only available in an electronic format which should be viewable from most computers and mobile devices.

Mike Armstrong
February 27th, 2012 - 18:14

Hello.

   My problem revolves around the good memories.  We did so much together.  There is never a day goes by that I'm not reminded of the wonderful times we had together.  I was set in my mind that we would be together until the end.  We never had harsh words.  It was like a switch from loving wife to "we've grown apart".  Grandchildren from her children is where she wanted to be.

I hope your book covers that part of the solution to getting my life back.

 

Mike Armstrong

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
February 28th, 2012 - 04:15

Hi Mike,

Memories both good and bad can plague us after divorce. The juxtaposition of the great memories and the terrible ending of the marriage is especially difficult to reconcile. The overarching theme of the book and methods of putting troublesome memories aside is covered in this guide. It requires more than just putting aside memories though - but that is all a part of the change of mental state and process you must go through to be healed.

Wishing you the best of luck,

David H
April 23rd, 2012 - 08:10

Hi, I am now four years post divorce and remarried. I still have so much anger and resentment towards my ex wife for the pain she caused to me, my family and mainly the upset she caused to my fabulous children. What angers me most is she caused all the pain yet she still holds all the trump cards, completely governing my new married life in terms of when I can speek to my kids and when I can see them. I will say I have done everything right by my kids but the anger and resentment is still so strong and affects my life so much in terms of how I work think and even live my new married life. Will your book help with even longer term issues and is it available to buy in the UK? Thanks.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
April 29th, 2012 - 05:20

Hi David,

Anger and resentment are common and understandable, but as you are probably quite aware, it is a poisonous emotion that causes lasting problems in post-divorce life.

I do touch on anger and resentment in the book along with the core psychological reasons why these issues and others feel so hard to let go of. I am sure it can help, and I really hope it does because a life lived with resentment is one that is not lived to its fullest!

Jay D
May 29th, 2012 - 21:53

Hi David

Re- moving on and sharing a critical mistake with the forum

Good work on your site and blog I stumbled across it at a particulalry desperate moment and played all the you tube clips and so on and it was extremely helpful. I am over 2 years fully seperated, first break up very nearly happened over 4 years ago followed by a reconciliation. Prior to that we had a pretty amazing 7-8 year relationship the divorce (legal) will be finalized very soon. I am still really struggling to move on after all this time and made a critical mistake I would like to share with the forum. I met up with my ex recently purely for a business meeting and it was a huge mistake as my feelings for her came back and it put my "moving on" back 18 months. She called the divorce, I relunctantly knew it was for the best and did not truly fight for the marriage but would have stayed in it. Finally and this is where I wish to know how the book will help as nothing seems to be discussed on this part and I wonder why. I recently found out she is with somebody else. Ofcourse thats going to happen but unfortunately it's somebody we knew as a mutual "friend" through at the time another couple. Now that hurts and all the old pain comes back. How the hell can you accept and move on. I feel bitter, angry and humiliated. It's crushed my confidence and depsite the fact I am a good looking guy I have lost too much confidence I do not even feel comforatble dating. I just want to know how many more years will it take or what will it take for me to make a fresh start and "move on". Should one avoid all the old mutual friends too? Thanks David and thanks to everybody who has had the courage to write, I have read all your posts. 

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
June 2nd, 2012 - 03:25

Hi Jay,

Finding out your ex is seeing someone else is a blow - when it is a mutual friend this is an even bigger one yes. You are wise enough to see this is a hit to your self esteem - and ni the book we discuss this in detail and how trying to have better self esteem is not the way to go in fact. Cultivating self respect is the real way to recovery.

Moving on is not about putting this behind you - but accepting them for what they are without impact on your won psyche. Only then can you get a fresh start. It is not easy and it is not instant, but when you know how your mind works it becomes much easier.

Edgar Lugo
June 7th, 2012 - 12:48

I was married for 21years and with her for 27 years we had numerous fights thru out the years. I found out she had a "boyfriend" at work 4 weeks ago and she has since moved out to a "summer" house we were buying down the jersey shore. In October of 2011 she told in P.R. that she wanted to seperate and she was tired of taking care of everyone including the kids. I was floored and the roller coaster started. She went thru every stage of a cheating spouse and I never saw it my sister did but I was in denial. I went to a psyc doctor and she said that she was a sociopath and that lew my mind. I have been trying to hold this marriage together from the beginning knowing that there were infidelities on her part. I thought it was me not knowing the diagnosis later on, she hits 18 of the 20 questions to detect a sociopath and who knows whatever i find out later. The lies have been the hardest I placed a voice-activated recorder in my car and heard everything that hurts the most to hear how much she loved him and telling her sister how much she hates me.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
June 8th, 2012 - 22:56

Hi Edgar,

Thank you for sharing your story. It is still painful to read just how heartbreaking it is when this happens even though I hear stories like this every day.

The only good thing I can pull out of this so far is that it is not your fault. You have the knowledge that she is mentally unstable which has nothing to do with YOU and the way YOU are. You can be proud that you have done all that you could.

This does not take the sting out of it I know - and I am not trying to gloss over the hurt in any way. The only way through this is going to be to feel those emotions and own them. Only if you do this can you eventually let them go. After this true healing can begin - just remember not to shy away fro the difficult thoughts sometimes as you have to go through them - just pick the right times.

I wish you the very best of luck Edgar. From all of us men who have been through, or are going through difficult time like you.

Rob
July 29th, 2012 - 01:31

Well my 30 year marriage has failed with basically my wife having an affair for the last 4 years. My soulmate since 1977 has wanted out for a long time really but didnt have the guts to do it. I had given her 2 chances before but the 3rd and final discovery on June 30th whereby she admitted the affair had never actually stopped and this time admitted adultery was the final straw. I had spent 3 years trying to recover the marraige when all along she was a passenger. What a massive humiliated fool (polite version) i feel. Mobile phones, wonder how many affairs they hide! I have filed for divorce but it was the hardest thing i have done as i do actually love and care for my wife. You cant turn off feelings of my entire adult life overnight. She actually says she loves me but i actually find it hard to believe anything she says. To be honest it is all the lies which have hurt the most rather than the sex. Yes i have gone through the Bargaining section of your book and am now accepting the end. We were supposed to be going on holiday to Cornwall today but she is off to Spain! Already i have found your book helpful and will continue to keep re-reading to help reprogramme my head to say i am no longer a husband. Washing the dirty thoughts away in a shower i liked! Still a father to 2 great sons (22 & 19) who are disgusted and hate their mother. A task for me is try to control and release their anger in a safe way. i have to move on to create my own new life (is actually helping writing this). My own danger is i feel i have wasted 3 years waiting for wife to come back to me completely in all ways (but should have divorced in 2009 but i know i did my 100% best to recover the marraige,) and i will rush into another relationship to try to make up for lost time. i do want to meet a new lady for friendship and companionship and certainly dont want to burden her with this misery. The thought of meeting somone new is very daunting but slightly exciting. The IBM PC computer had not been invented the last time i dated someone! i dont feel i am betraying my wife so i guess that means i have accepted the divorce. On the plus side i have lost over 20lbs in weight in 4 weeks which i did actually need to do and feel better for it. Off to the gym now. Starting a new life at 56, frightening but has to be done to survive and get out of the worst month of my entire life! Thanks for your book, another weapon in my armoury to survive and eventually flourish.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
July 29th, 2012 - 05:41

Hi Rob,

Thank you for your comments and your story. I really feel for you and can tell you tried very hard in that marriage and that can be terribly crushing. I am glad that you have found the eBook helpful and can tell you are going to get back on track and sort things out.

I hope your kids do not carry too much anger around about their mother though. It is certainly justified but can be a real poison going forward. Once you have your own mind sorted out though I can tell you will be a great help to them as well.

I would love to hear how you progress Rob so please write back if you feel it will help putting your thoughts down in writing.

Best of luck and hope to hear from you again!

TP
September 6th, 2012 - 01:08

Did you get my previous comment? and, I do understand and appologize. However, this is also a true story and I feel for both Male and Female who are going through broken relationships. If you truely believe that you tried....that your heart was in it, and you were not recieving genuine appreciation, then the other person involved was not "there". Not on the same page...and so, no reflection on you. However, you must take responsibility on making some wrong choices. Life is a journey and we learn lessons along the way. For some reason we have different lessons and they may also take different "time frames" but, that is why we are all unique !

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
October 20th, 2012 - 05:42

Hi TP,

 

I approved and replied to your previous comment but decided to delete it as it might just make some very upset men even more upset on this site.

You are indeed correct that we must take responsibility for our own choices good and bad through our lives and relationships. However, when the emotions are raw and the bitterness is deep in a man (or womans) heart this is not the time to blame yourself either.

There comes a time for genuine reflection but it is a lter stage of the journey of greif that we all go through.

Thank you for taking the time to post this.

Michael Stewart
October 7th, 2012 - 02:27

Hi there, just stumbled across this site... my lovely wife and I have been married 21 years, a few weeks after our 21st wedding anniversary she started writing letters to express her dissatisfaction and unhappiness within our marriage. There was no intent at that stage of leaving, but the letters rocked me completely, and I handled my reponses badly. Things spiralled downhill, and she has since written to me and indicated that she does not want to continue the relationship. We have been separated for just over six weeks now; where i live we must be separated for two years before a marriage can be dissolved.

I have been running the full gamut of emotions - despair, anger, resentment, hate, grief, hope etc, and have shed a few pounds in the process. it has been an incredibly stresfull time for us both.

I just found this morning she has set up a new email account in her maiden name, and, and against my better judgement I hacked into it. There are numerous heart-to-heart emails with another man (also separated) that I also know, many of which are discussing our respective partners. I get the impression that she is forming an emotional attachement with him and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if it became  a full-on relationship even though the divorce will nearly two years off. I shouldn't have looked at the emails, and I feel pretty gutted about how she feels about me.

A lot of the blame for the breakdown can be laid at my feet due to my poor communication skills and inability to ask the right questions about us, but I also feel that she never expressed her dissatisfaction and kept it bottled up for a long time.

I feel like I've lost the greated treasure ever given to me.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
October 20th, 2012 - 05:47

Hi Michael,

This site is usually focused on helping those where the relationship is over without a doubt.

However I sense that you are not yet in this position. While it is certainly a very bad breach of privacy to look into her emails all may not be lost.

You said you handled the reponse badly - these things can be fixed sometimes, and other times it might be time to move on.

You have taken a lot of this burden upon yourself, but you cannot continue to beat yourself up over this break down.

I am not an expert on how to save a marriage, but there may still be time as it does not sound like she has compeltely left you behind but is certainly trying to find soemthing to make her whole. That could be you still.

Daryl Evans
October 25th, 2012 - 16:35

Hi Kyle,

I fell in love and married the "girl of my dreams" over 20 years ago.  We were married for over 18 years and litterally NEVER had a fight.  We were in Church every time the doors were open and raised four Great kids, two of which were her's from a previous marriage.  Then on June 13, 2010 she told me she wanted a divorce.  I laughed because I thought she was joking.  I HAVEN'T LAUGHTED SINCE!  It took only 18 days from the day she filed until I was under court order to vacate the house, take nothing but my clothes, and give her over 67% of my paycheck.  By the time the divorce was final she got absolutly everything except the bills!  I have not had one day worth living since.  It didn't matter what she asked for in Court, she got it, and it didn't matter what I asked for, I was denied.  My Daughter, who was 15 at the time, has not stayed with me a single time since the divorce, and I have been shunned by everyone we ever knew.  It was almost a year after the split that I found out that she had been, and is still having an affair.

I don't expect to get any benifit at all from your e-book.  The facts are the facts.  My life will never again be worth living.  I will NEVER trust again. And I expect to die a lonely bitter old man that hates women and life.  I wish I had died three years ago when I was happy and had everything to live for.  Now I am miserable and have nothing to live for.  I have spent over 6 weeks in Phsyco Wards and have seen several counsellors and phsyciatrist in the past two and a half years.  They all start off sure they can help me, and after a few months recommend that I find someone else, because they realize that I can't be helped. At least not by them.

I am going to buy your e-book.  But I don't expect anything to change.  I still expect to wish I were dead.  For all intent purposes, my life ended in July of 2010. I pray the Mayans are right and the world as we know it ends this year on December 21, 2012.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
October 29th, 2012 - 06:34

I will not try to coddle you and say everythign will be fine. You are in a dark place that is for sure and I am just one guy trying to give advice that worked for me any many others who have gone through the same issues.

All I can say is I hope the book helps - in the end it will come down to you choosing to be different. It is not easy, and the pressures upon you are great, but you - like all other divorced men can only control one thing. Your own actions and words. You are the only person who can choose happiness.

Once you learn to accept that you cannot control the world around you then the only way forward is each action you choose, each word you say, and eventually each thought you think. This is like being reborn in a way into a new you.

 

I hope my book can help, i really do because stories like your remind me why I wrote this guide, why I answer every email and comment I can. Good luck to you Sir, i wish you every bit of luck in your journey back to happiness

Andy
November 2nd, 2012 - 12:54

Kyle, I met my soon to be ex online thru a dating site. We had a lot in common, same religion, age, sense of humor, love adventure, I thought the same morals, desire to have a lasting relationship, same work ethic, and love for children. She was raising her granddaughter who was 20 months old when I met her. We had a long distance relationship, flying back and forth for 2 years and I thought I knew this woman. She had been sexually abused as a child by a family member and someone else unrelated. She did not outwardly display a lot of dysfunction and we initially had a great relationship, both enjoying each other and focusing on her granddaughter. As time passed I became aware of her PTSD, GAD, and her victim mentality. I adopted the girl and we had a very close relationship. We enrolled her in a Christian school and within a couple of years my soon to be ex was causing problems with other parents. I put out all the fires until finally when my daughter was at the end of 4th grade the principal called us in and said she could not return the next school year. It wasn\'t because of her, it was because of the behavior of my soon to be ex. She got our daughter kicked out of a Christian school~! We enrolled her in public school, I told my wife to stay away and let our daughter have a normal school experience. She\'s an A student and never caused problems. That part went fine. But the victim mentality of my wife was pervasive in our lives, in every part. I couldn\'t do anything right and she always found a way to turn any situation into someone else\'s fault even tho she was truly the problem. We went to marriage councellors but after a few times, they would zero in on her and she refused to go back. I tried to calm the storm by not engaging in arguements, saying yes to things I didn\'t want to, going along to get along, constantly apologizing, and lowering my boundries to my socks to avoid conflict. This seemed to fuel her desire to esclate things and continue verbal attacks and manipulation. She knew I wouldn\'t engage in conflict with her to the point of physical confrontation so she initiated it. I never hit her even tho she hit and kicked me. She became enraged and called the police and told them I threw her to the ground. Even the blood on my leg from her kicks did not persuade the police and I was arrested, handcuffed in front of my daughter, my mother who was visiting at the time, and taken to jail. I spent a night in the jail and bailed out the next day after she called the judge and said it was a misunderstanding and she was not affraid of me and wanted me home. I went home but her verbal and emotional abuse continued until she finally called the police and got me kicked out of my own home. I had 5 minutes to get my things and was escorted out by the police. She then told the office of child services I inappropriately touched our daughter. This lie kept me from seeing or contacting her for 2 months during the investigation in which they found her charges were unsubstatiaed. Mean while she poisoned my daughter against me to the point she didn\'t want to see or talk to me. The judge said I had to pay for everything and my wife could stay in the house that I had 13 years prior to our marriage. I filed for divorce and it\'s now 18 months later. I hired a custody investigator and her report reccomended I have time with my daughter. Very limited time. We were ordered to family therapy and co parenting classes, blah blah blah. All the while my wife continued causing any kind of trouble she could and getting away with it. I felt totally helpless. I\'ve spent a hundred thousand dollars in attorney fees, custody investigator fees, court pleadings, you name it. I finally got her to agree to mediation and she bailed four days before it. I had taken time off work for it. Three months later we got to mediation and reached a settlement for custody and property. 7 years of marriage and all I get is weekends with my daughter and two weeks in the summer and half of her school breaks. Not to mention the damage done to our relationship. She has been totally controlled and manipulated by my soon to be ex. It\'s so sad because she is innocent and a good kid. I worry that the dysfunction and manipulation is affecting my daughter. The list goes on and on. I worry about her. I try my best to be a good father and do things with her when we are together, call her every other day, text and email. But I see how the constant manipulation is effecting her. I feel angry, sad, alone, abandonded, and hurt. I\'ve talked to a therapist and I\'m struggling to reclaim who I was. The constant berating and emotional abuse took a tole on me. I need to get the old me back so I can be the best dad I can be and find some peace again in my own life. I used to sleep good. Now I\'m lucky to get 5 hours a night. I\'m exhausted in every area of my life. I pray for help all the time, I\'m thankful for what I have and I help others. I work hard. But I\'m empty inside and need help.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
November 5th, 2012 - 04:15

Hi Andy,

That is a heart wrenching tale. The level of manipulation you have had to endure is just aweful. That sort of long term emotional abuse is extremely difficult to undo and will plague you for a long time - I will not sugar coate it. However as always, thee is light at the end of the tunnel.

Your daughter sounds like a smart girl and will be able to see her mothers lies soon enough. Whatever you do, just be a good father and you will see her realise what a dire thing her mother is over time. Its a horrific long process but if there is one thing I have learned in life it is this:

You cannot change any other person. The only thing you can control and change in this life is yourself and your own actions

This means that you can only work on your own sense of self worth right now. You can only endrue the outside forces while you concentrate on what makes you YOU that no one else can touch.

Reinventing your self of self is very hard but it can be done. Remember that the old you is actually gone, you must work to a new you that is stronger due to the lessons of the past.

Nathan
November 12th, 2012 - 14:00

Everyone I talk too says it get easier and this is coming from those that went through divorces. Does it get easier? Because I only see it getting worse. The new boy friend of hers, and the the pitting the kids against me. I have forgiven her, I don't have the bitterness or anger towards her, but what I do have is the sorrow. So how do you move forward when you've only have been with one women your entire life. Since the divorce it is hard to even spark up a conversation with a girl. I don't want to jump into another relationship that takes advantage of me. This experience is by far the most painful experience that I been through even death itself was not this painfull. ( yes I had a death experience several years ago and this does not compare.) When all is said and done, how does your book help me at the end of the day when I go back to an empty appartment, go back to a place I don't see my kids playing, or going back to a place where there are single women but the thought of starting up with someone just scares me. I don't what to live mylife like this, it feels like I am sufficating, I want to be happy and live to my full potential, but with each passing book I read or counselor I go too I am still at the same spot as to where I started.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
November 12th, 2012 - 22:46

Hi Nathan,

You sound like you are right in the middle of the lowest period of post divorce life for men. Depression. This is usually the 4th phase befroe final acceptance and moving on - but it can be the longest for most men i speak too as it is too hard to stay angry for a long time, but way too easy to be low and sad.

Again I will not say it is going to be easy, but the light is there - you just need to find it as it will not come to you. It is about reinventing yourself and finding new purpose which is what I try to explain in my guide.

Feel free to buy it, but if it really does not help I am mroe than happy to provide a refund. Good luck Nathan

Levino Caravaggio
November 12th, 2012 - 14:57

Hello,  I sincerely enjoy your site and counseling.  I am currently undergoing the initial phases as described here almost to the tee...  It's scary, but reassuring at the same time.   I am glad to see there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Intellectually, you know this, but emotions are incredibly strong and pursuasive...  I am very interested in purchasing your ebook, however, when I requested the free chapter, I never received anything.  Can you provide an answer as to why this happened?  I checked my spam filter and nothing was there.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
November 12th, 2012 - 22:13

Hi Levino,

I am glad that this site has helped you, and yes - emotions can override all logic and reason when pressed hard enough. It is quite a skill being able to move through that, but it can be learned.

I am not sure why it didnt send you an email with the chapter. I will email this to you now.

Lionel
November 27th, 2012 - 05:20

Just reading the comments has helped me feel like less of a complete loser. My wife checked out emotionally about 2 years ago, and I was unaware. When she surprised me early one recent morning with a U-Haul truck, I was too hurt and shocked to utter a sound. Worse, she gleefully told me that I've made her miserable for years, and she's just been really mean and nasty about everything. However, she paid off all of her debt shortly before all of this. Now, I'm second guessing my whole life with her because she's shown me how cunning she can be. My mind is all over the place, and I'm between rage and misery while she's over me and has moved on in record time. I hate that I love a woman who does not love me. I feel like a whimp, sucker, loser, and the list goes on. If she put half the energy she's used leaving me into trying to fix the marriage, things would be different. My heart is pitch black right now, and I HATE her on a molecular level, but I'm trying.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
November 30th, 2012 - 03:56

Hi Lionel,

We are so sorry to hear of such a terible break up. You are not alone, most guys seem to be unaware of the slipping away their wife does and never mentions it or tries to fix it. Mine was imilar in that respect.

First up, you are not a wimp or a sucker. You are  just as much a man as any of us and prone to the same emotions. Anger is normal, it is part of the process of healing, the circle of greif that eventually ends in acceptance and being able to move on. Gettnig there is a total bitch though and I feel for you.

Just remember that you can never change another person, the only thing in your control is your own actions - and that is a much more powerful thing that you can believe right now but it will get you through!

 

Tilmon
December 24th, 2012 - 06:25

Wow...just reading the comments and responses has helped me this morning.... I am about to enter a separation and divorce and am trying to get a jump on the reality that my wife no longer wants to be in a marital relationship with me...after 15 yrs and 5 kids later, I cant understand how divorce is worth it to her.... by principle I was a textbook husband, work (2 jobs most of life) come home, not many hobbies, fix and remodel home, keep cars clean, go to all my kids functions, dont hang out much at all, no female friends, no affairs... no baggage from the past... but my mistake is incapatibility and not conversating enough with her. We have been to 3 different counselors in about 3 yrs time....anyway, I really dont want a divorce but dont want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me... I am a month or 2 away from moving out as she doesnt work yet and the stability for the kids is for me to leave the house...do you think your book can help me even in my early stages?

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
December 25th, 2012 - 05:58

Hi there,

You seem to be holding it together quite well now following your traditional role as the breadwinner, father and husband. However, it can get a LOT worse from here on in as you start to think about it more and more.

I do not want to scare you though, but yes - the book will help you if you are prepared to look into yourself and see the issues before they become issues. You might be able to survive this a lot better than other men who might only look for this help when they are deep in depression or anger.

As always, if you do not find it helpful - just send me an email and we can refund it. However I think you will get a lot out of it.

Good luck and merry Christmas!

Alex
December 31st, 2012 - 15:07

hi there

I have just started with the process of my divorce. The main thing I am concerned about is to be capable recovering from the economical damage that it is going to cause me. My wife has never worked or brought a single penny into our life but normally everything is going to be shared equally between us. This is going to leave bad taste in my mouth for a long time. It is not mainly the money or the assets. It is the Pain that my ex who has not acted supportively during our life gets an unfair share of my hard work that I went through during my university time plus the hard work that I have been doing every single day by waking up early in the morning and coming back late from work. I feel what I have worked for is gone and it seems almost impossible to get back on track again. I am 44 years old now and it seems like I would never get another chance to build my life again.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
January 1st, 2013 - 03:28

Hey Alex,

Divorce is certainly something that destroys all that you have been working towards. It is an end point to the person you once were in fact. The real recovery from divorce is when you realise that this person and those goals no longer apply.

Freedom from divorce means reinventing yourself and forming entirely new goals emotionally and financially based on the reality of the situation.

This is an INCREDIBLY hard pill to swallow and right now you might think I am full of shit for saying it. However, if you ask any divorced guy who has moved on and they will tell you how much they have changed for the better.

It will not happen quickly, but you need to completely change what your goals were - it can be an exciting time to reinvent yourself - or it can be a time of dismal hanging on to the past. We all go through the latter for a while but it will pass once you know a new direction.

I wish you the best of luck Alex.

Joe
January 1st, 2013 - 17:50

Hey guys ive benn together 32 yrs fully faithful raised a 22 yr old daughter. Got divorced and came back to make another try at it after 8 months away..it's been a battle of love fear loneliness  and so many other emotions.  Your not alone and neither am I but this isn't easy stuff to process.now I'm in a sutuation were we live together divorced living in the same apartment but seperate bedrooms. No sex no contact and I want it to work and she says it's over but she still wants to be best friends and me financially help her to save and I feel responsible for supporting her in every way with nothing in return. Even feeling used and probably so I am.not wanting to accept any of this reality..I'm lost confused and still in love with someone who I guess doesn't really care ?..  Really confusing stuff not to mention all the garbage that comes with the big ,,,what I call mind games,,,  I'm lost I'm confused and it was all her choice not mine but I'm still giving everyday in my trapped world. Just not an Imaginable situation and I'm so stuck in a vortex.  God help me I need someone's help

Bill
January 2nd, 2013 - 18:05

Hello:  I have been with my wife for 15 years, married for ten.  I met her about 10 months after a previous divorce.  Within two months of dating we found out she was pregnant.  I realize now, 15 years later, that I had not recovered from that earlier divorce (one year marriage, no kids).  I married my current and soon to be ex wife when our son was four....he was my best man.   While our first couple years were rough, I was and still am in live with her.  She moved out suddenly four months ago and has filed for divorce, saying she has tried for 14 years and can't try anymore.  I thought we were happy and can not seem to accept and move on....and am depressed, anangus, and barely functioning......and it's been four months.   Is something wrong with me?  I am considering ordering your book.   I am 44 years old and feel like life is over.  She won't even talk to me and says everything is my fault.  I have never had an affair, never been abusive,  and have always held down a job.   Why did this happen?

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
January 3rd, 2013 - 04:41

Hi Bill,

There is a poison in the word 'WHY' when it comes to divorce. We all want to know for various reasons. some to try to fix the issue, some so they cant get angry and what might be petty reasons, but most for closure as they think that knowing why it happened will allow them to move on.

The sad fact is that the why is often not something that your ex can explain or is willing too. It might be a very good reason, it might be petty and stupid. If the marriage is truly over - the real answer is not why - but what next.

It is confusing and horrific to go through these times, but do not focus on the why too much because you will start to question yourself and everything you have done rather than taking a different path and finding a new way to live and a new way to view yourself and your place in this world.

The why is an attachment to the old you which has to be reformed before you can move on.

I know it sounds pithy and ridiculous from where you stand now - but this is the truth of the matter from my experience and that of many other men.

Wishing you the best of luck Bill - remember, it is not YOU that is a problem. Never think that - you have the best wishes of thousands of divorced men behidn you who know the hurt and the pain, and know you can get through it to a brighter tomorrow.

Brian
February 5th, 2013 - 13:25

I have read all of the comments written by those that have read your ebook and by those, like myself, who are contemplating buying it. Unfortunately, I can identify with many of the situations of the authors of these post. I am very near the end of a 13 year marriage. By all accounts, a good marriage. Some arguements, but never physical. 4 beautiful children,9,7, and twin 4 y.o.,we were moving toward financial strength, respected members of the community, volunteers, and in general,a happy couple. Now, she has decided she doesnt "love me like she should".I asked what she wanted changed about us, and made a genuine effort to do so, but it hasnt helped. We are together for now, pending the end of the school year. I am already feeling the grief and lonliness of a failed marriage as well as wondering how to face my children and explain that daddy can't stay at home anymore. I break down into tears just thinking of how they will handle it. Along with this, I am faced with the reality that I will be in financial ruin when the divorce is finalized. Paying child support while trying to pay bills that were once held jointly, a new household, and cost associated with them. We continue to talk and are very civil to each other. Move through day to day activities much the same as we have for the past 13 years. I am more in love today than 13 years ago. I would love to think that things could be worked out, but sadly I don't believe they will. My question is, is it too soon to read your book while also desperately trying to bail water from a sinking ship?

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
February 6th, 2013 - 03:20

Hi Brian,

I cannot say how you might react to the book in the situation you are in. Sometimes it might feel to seen to look at how to move on when you are not in the headspace to do so and it might just seem hard to read.

However, the information in this will help even in your situation if you are prepared to take it in and action it when you are able. You might even be able to see the psychology of some of the things you are doing or feeling now as well.

My only caveat is that no matter how well a man moves on from divorce we all need time to grieve and sort out the emotions that are in such turmoil. The difference is how fast you can move through the grief and repair your life without falling back into depression of anger. That is what the book can help you with - just make sure to give yourself the time to grieve as well, as long as you have the understanding of what that means and how it will end well if you let it :)

I sympathise with the situation with the children however. There is nothing great you can do about that but be as available to them as possible, and to continue to be civil with your partner so that you provide a strong united front to them, their care, and both your love towards them. If your wife is prepared to do this you are in the best position you can be in even though it will hurt like hell.
IF you feel the book didn’t help I am always happy to offer a refund, but I am certain you will get enough out of it that your transition to a new life will be better off for your purchase.

I wish you the best of luck.

Cahit
February 18th, 2013 - 00:09

Hi Kyle;

Like everyone else visited the site, I am at the edge of the marriage breakdown. Me and my wife were married for 8 years, we were happy in general however last september she started rock climbing and fall in love with another guy that meets her interests, I am pursuing my higher level education hence I was not be able to be with her all the time for social activites, we are separated and she is living with this guy now. What hurts me alot right now is that we did not separate fiendly, she changed her attitude netagively towards me, like i raped her in the past and I am the worst person in the world, she was overweight and she lost weight a lot and maybe attracted othe rmen I am not quite sure, but it seems like 8 years of marriage did not mean anything to her. We do not have kids, I am listening subliminal techniques and doing some meditation but I am still struggling and crying a lot what she has done to me and our marriage,time to time I am blaming myself for not being near her enough hence she found out other men :(

Would your book help me to get me out of this depression state? I cannot imagine her with another men, i thought she belonged to me her body and her but now it really hurts a lot.

Thank you

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
February 21st, 2013 - 04:37

Hi Cahit,

My book will help you deal with all the terrible things that come after divorce including depression and anxiety. I will not tell you that after reading you will suddenly have a life changing experience, but the lessons learned form my own divorce and talking to many other divorced men will serve you well and give you a roadmap to get out of that depressive pit that divorce thrust you into.

Remember, do not blame yourself. Women (and some men too) tend to find excuses for their own poor behaviour such as sleeping around after the fact. It is easier for them to blame you than blame themselves - and often their new partners will encourage this behaviour.

In the end, you cannot change them - the only thing you can control if your own life, your own words, your own actions, and the way you think. This is enough to turn your life upside down and start again with a better outcome.

I wish you the very best Cahit

fabian
February 20th, 2013 - 06:50

i cant sleep cant eat i cry at work , i fel like if i am going crazzy . my exwife to become just stop loving me. she tells me that she cares but as friends. when she say that it kills me. she has lots of guy frieds and she tells me that she does not want to be with no one.but shes text guys in front of me. i just want to not care like the way shes doing it. i wanna move on. shes doing it help help please

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
February 21st, 2013 - 04:40

Hi Fabian,

You need some space away from her. She obviously has no empathy for yoru situation and so will make it much worse with her uncaring actions. The more you are around her, the more you will obsess over her, and the less time you will have in your own head to sort things out.

It is a painful process divorce, I would suggest finding another place to live as soon as possible. Focus on yourself, not what she does, and you can begin to understand your own internal voice - not the fear and anxiety that is assaulting you now.

Deb
May 1st, 2013 - 14:41

Mr. Morrison, As I write this, my husband is processing our divorce. He cheated and he wants it. I love how you try to respond to the men who've posted. I've been looking for a similar website for women, but all I find is a lot of hate and 'dark places'. I commend you. Deb

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
May 2nd, 2013 - 06:45

Hi Deb,

Thank you for the kind words, and it is a great shame you cannot find any support from women. When I looked I thought I saw a lot of helpful advice and communities for women. Perhaps there is a taint there as you suggest, people in dark places spreading toxicity not help. Feel free to comment on the blog though, I do not restrict the conversation to just men.

Do not give up though; I am sure there is a specific communities online that can help you more. If I find one I will put a link to it in my blog as well.

Good luck and remember much of what I talk about here can be applied to any human being, I just focus on the example of a man after divorce.

Nessa
May 1st, 2013 - 21:41

I want to thank you for this blog and for the e-book. I have dated a few recently divorced men in the last 5 years and wondered why they weren't able to commit and lacked trust. I have never been married so I was pretty clueless and thought "I'm not her!" Now I have a better understanding of the transitions a man goes through after a divorce and it's pretty obvious the men I dated were still in pain and should have begged off dating for a while. The connection to the ego and loss make perfect sense after I read your blog and the posts from the men. Unfortunately, the men I dated wdid not verbalize their feelings or needs well. I pray that all the men find themselves healed after this journey. You are still somebody and you are worthy! Be blessed.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
May 2nd, 2013 - 06:54

Hi Nessa,

Thanks for taking the time to write. Dating before you are ready is probably the most common mistakes a guy after divorce makes. Your position of not having been married before must have made that very difficult to understand them I agree.

Men are terrible at being able to convery those feelings, but some are also afraid. Afraid they will appear weak, or lacking substance or control. Society has branded in many men's minds a blueprint of how they should behave and be - and being lost and trying to find a new path after divorce is not in that blueprint. Even worse, some men and women will label them as losers or malcontents if they show this pain so the fear is somewhat justified!

I am glad you have found a better understandnig of those men through my site. Have a wonderful day :)

Ace
May 8th, 2013 - 19:49

I have been asked out on a date by a recently divorced man.  He seems like a great guy, and I am certainly interested. I am concerned that it is too soon, but I didn't say anything like that, of course.  Fortunately, my job has kept me traveling so my absence has been legitimate, but soon I am either going to have to date him or not date him.  Is there an optimum recovery period for a man?  I don't want us to get involved too soon.  I want him to have the time to recover, because I think we might be a great team when he is actually ready and the most common mistake men make is dating too soon.  Thanks!

Tom
June 7th, 2013 - 13:18

Divorced 13 years now, have I gotten over it, NO.  Will I ever? certainly not. 
The simple facts are:
1) I still love her and always will.
2) I did not want the divorce.
3) I don't blame her, I know it was my fault, I was simply not a good husband.
4) Yes, I'm depressed, suicidally so, I have been torturing myself everyday for 13 years, I will continue to do so until the day I die which I hope is very very soon.

The ONLY reason I have not found a short rope and a tall tree(actually I'm thinking gasoline and a match)  is that I don't have the right to cause pain to my family(my mother is still alive and her health is poor). My solution has been to isolate myself from all contact with other people. I live alone, I rarely speak to anyone outside work. Sometimes I have gone YEARS without any real human contact. I have never contacted my ex since the divorce, doing so would only upset her and make her unhappy. Her happiness is important to me that is why I did not contest (or even show up) for the divorce proceedings, therefore I cannot blame the courts for the loss of my home, debt burden or my poverty like some do.  My presence makes her unhappy so I remove myself from it. At least I was able to assume all the debt we had accumulated while we were married and provide her with a fresh start in life, I only wish I could give her more.

When my mother passes I will FINALLY be able to end my pain without causing anyone grief. 

This has been my plan for 13 years, I just have to endure life until then. 

Nick Erickson
July 3rd, 2013 - 09:40

I wanted the divorce.  I gave my wife everything I was able and she rejected me and treated me like a servant.

 

Now most likely she will have my kids all but every other weekend.  I will live off of 46% of my take home pay because the courts here in KS seem to want to give the mother everything. 

I never wanted her to be a stay at home mom, I worked and still do in a job that I do not enjoy rather than find one that I would like for less money.  My wife is a nurse now who works as little as she has to.

I feel exceptionally bitter, not sure if your guide will help me.  I am afraid of being alone without my kids.  No money to even date.    I will be paying both child support and Alimony.  I will be in darkness until my 16 year old son graduates high school.  AT that point.  I will possibly have enough money to live on, but 2 years is so long.

Nobody around me understands that I am losing much more than my money.  I am losing my kids.  My son says his mom will not keep them away from me.  I wanted 50/50 parenting, but she did not because it means more money for her.

My identity is a dad, that’s the reason I stayed in such an unhealthy marriage for 22 years.

Any additional help would be appreciated.  I did get the guide, will read later.  I am at a crossing point.  I am not sure I can stay on the road.

 

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
July 13th, 2013 - 22:16

Hi Nick,

Sorry for the late reply I got hit by a wall of spam and your comment was almost lost.

You hit the nail on the head though aboutt he identity of being a dad. This is a huge deal for men and people can be quite unkind when they think it is just about the loss of money. The loss of money does not represent the emotional pain - but it does limit what you can do to be a better person and a better father as well.

It is insult to injury much of the time. There is not much you can do about the money situation .... or if there is it is not my field of expertise.

The guide goes into depth on that identity idea and ways to move forward so I hope that helped. It is never a flick of a switch to fix all the problems, but the journey can be made shorter and easier if you know how!

Brian
October 7th, 2013 - 15:04

Hi Nick, I came across this site this morning and have been reading it all day, what a revelation! I discovered that my wife was having an affair two weeks ago. When confronted, she admitted the affair and has since broken off all contact with the other person. She has expressed sorrow and remorse for what has happened, but still does not want to remain a "married" couple. She wants to move out but we cannot afford two places so we are living together, but are roomates at this point and co-parenting. I cannot figure out what she wants and am killing myself trying to explain what happened and to figure out what next. I feel divorce is coming but with two small girls (3 and 5) the thought of raising them in a broken home scares the shit out of me, and I am also still in love with her. Any advice on how to move forward?

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
October 8th, 2013 - 07:04

Hi Brian,

Living together is an extremely bad situation, it muddles the thoughts and gives you space to think, grieve, or get any sort of perspetive.

The same will be for your wife, the close proximity might be maknig it hard for her to understand what she should do after such a betrayal of trust as well.

However I know that its sometimes very difficult to move out essepcially when children are involved.

Trying to figure out what SHE wants and what happened however is a poisonous thing right now. You want to know for closure, and possibly to know if you can fix it. Men like us want to find the problem and find a fix - but this is hardly ever posible with relationships gone this far down the dark path (not impossible though, but I would not count on it)

If she is adamant on divorce then there is one important thing you need to do. It is to understand what YOU want to be when the dust has finally settled. This is a scary place to go I know, I have been there, but living in the moment or reliving the past drags you down deeper.

This will NOT stop you going through some of this shittiest times in your life very soon Brian. It is going to get worse as much as i hate to say it, btu if you lay the groundwork now for what you want to be, what sort of man, what sort of father, what sort of person now that you do not have that other half defining your role and place in life you will be better for it.

As for the love bit, I still love my ex-wife. I love who she was, i love who she still is, but I cannot be in love with her anymore and eventually that becomes ok as you open your heart to love in a more free fashion rather than the grasping needy love we so easily become mired in.

I hope that helps somewhat, I always feel for you when you do not have the space to truly go through the grieving process.

Kathryn
October 8th, 2013 - 10:15

Hi My boyfriend got divorced two years ago but is still struggling to put the hurt and damage of the past behind him and look to the future with me. His divorce sounded evil and I think it has left him distrustful of his own decisions and scared to let go of it and allow himself to get close to someone else. He is at a cornerstone in his life - and I wondered if your e-book would help at this late stage, or whether there is still something he can gain by reading it?

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
October 9th, 2013 - 03:55

Hi Kathryn,

I believe that my book can help men at any stage of the grieving process. Some will get more out of it than other I am sure, but sometimes the smallest new bit of information or way of looking at life or the divorce can set someone off on a new and better direction.

Kathryn
October 9th, 2013 - 08:01

Many thanks for your response. I have now bought the download and will encourage him to pour over it. I really hope that he can rebuild his self respect, as he is such a good man and deserves to be happy with himself again. I only hope that it can also improve our relationship as we're so very good together and it would be tragic to come undone because he can't heal the past. I live in hope. I've read the book today and can see so much of him in it; not trusting his feelings, fearful of getting it wrong again, not believing in himself etc. It has helped me to see where he is coming unstuck and hopefully we can get through it together. Please could you remove the post (or change my name) - i wouldn't want him to identify himself through it, I'm not sure he would appreciate that. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed. Thank you.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
October 23rd, 2013 - 05:31

Hi Kathryn,

Your email address does not show, only your first name so there is no real identifier of who you are. I like to leave comments up so others, maybe in the same position as you, can read and understand more. If you are worried about it however just let me know and i will delete all of yoru comments.

I am glad the book has helped you understand your boyfriend better and hope together he can be healed of teh past and look to the future.

Charlie Cooper
October 16th, 2013 - 06:39

My wife told me she didn't love me about 2 months ago, and eventually followed it up with the fact she loves another man.  I was devastated and left the family home for a week as i didn't want my children to see me like that.  Until one day i woke up and realised i wanted to be near my kids, so moved back.  Was very awkward etc, but the result was that she started talking about moving in with him.  I of course hated this idea, but realised there was nothing i could do.  Next day i get a text saying her and the kids are going to his tonight for a "trial run".  I find the idea of her moving out on a trial run as ridiculous...  She surely can't expect to move back and forth!?!  So when just under a week later she messaged me saying she was planning to stay at "home" tonight.  I said i didn't want her to!! That i needed my space to heal etc.  She got angry and accused me of basically kicking her out.  It seems his place isn't really big enough for him, her and their combined 4 kids (2 of mine 2 of his).  This whole situation has me very torn, on one hand i feel like i am the one who has been wronged...  I was a good father and i thought i was a good husband too!!  And shes been carrying on with another guy for months, maybe not having sex but certainly building a relationship and i now know they kissed.  So i really don't see why i should have to move away from my kids and let her move back into her cosy life in the house and have her bit on the side when she chooses!!  But on the other hand, if my kids are suffering where they are.....  I have offered to have the kids myself, i would definitely have them living with me but she won't let me.  And they don't seem miserable when i see them every wednesday and thursday and every other weekend.

 

I am just so confused and hurting a lot.  She says such awful things about and says i am making the kids life hell etc.  My head tells me i am doing the right thing, but my heart is hurting so much :(

 

Should i have let her back in the house?  Basically i would have to move back with my parents and wouldn't see the kids in the week anymore.....  Don't know if my self esteem can take anymore beatings!!

 

Any advice or opinions would be gratefully recieved.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
October 23rd, 2013 - 06:05

Hi Charlie,

Sounds like a very bad situation. As with many cases I have found, the ex-wife shows an incredible lack of empathy for thier ex-husband.

I think it is very dangerous that she is forcing her kids to move into a new family situation though without your real consent. I would start making notes about all these things because I have a bad feeling that lawyers may become involved and you need all the evidence you can to make sure you get proper rights as a father to your kids.

Seeing as you are not yet divorced and she is moving in with another man with the kids I would think this states a pretty drastic black mark against her - but i am no lawyer on these matters.

While you cannot kick her out of the house, you can tell her that she needs to choose one or the other becasue this backing and forthing might be fine for her but leaves you in a terrible emotional place.

I think that the best option is the kids stay at thier OWN house and she can do whatever she pleases as you cannot control her but you CAN look after the emotional welfare of your kids who will find this quite distressing i am sure.

I dont know if that is of any help - I do not think you can begin to heal properly until this mess is sorted out though.

Edward
October 22nd, 2013 - 04:18

    My divorce became final 3 weeks ago. We had been married for 32 years and all 3 kids are grown and on their own except for the youngest who is 22yrs old and will graduate in 2 years.    

   This mess all started 12 years ago after my 1 year affair ended. My loving ex stayed with me and we moved to a different state thinking that will be the the start of a new , fresh life,but another affair I had came up and now I told her she could file and I will sign the divorce papers amicably.  She has a lot of social assistance/support and even has constant contacts with friends /ex BFs through social media but denies any relationship with men since we were married.

     I am now on the verge of moving out and is going through all the normal stages of loss. I love and care for my wife, but understands its too early for any form of reconciliation or even attempts to mend this divorce. So, I have to leave while she stays in our house with my other daughter.

   I would like to read your book to see if I can have resolution with all of my guilt feelings and remorse. I am hoping that after 32 years we can still decide later to patch things up and look forward to being together during the golden years. This is my  plan. I dont know if your book has any other suggestions. I want to know. 

    Looking forward to reading it and trust on your money back guarantee if I am not satisfied. Thank you. 

   PS> I enjoyed and learned something in reading the comments of others in your blog.Its an experience. 

 

 

 

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
October 23rd, 2013 - 06:12

Hi Edward,

While I suppose i did not write this book for someone in your position directly, but I think that a lot of it will still apply to you.

I hope the advice helps you understand yourself, yuor actions, and your relationships in more detail and allow you to plan a new way forward. I am more than haoppy to hear any feedback you have - and happy to refund if it does not fit your circumstances.

KDC
November 11th, 2013 - 02:02

Hi, I married the girl of my dreams 6.5 years ago. We adopted 2 boys during our marriage, and I was a stay at home dad. The problem in our marriage was my love for marijuana, which she hated, so I kept it from her. I confessed and went to treatment once, and cleaned up for almost 3 years. About a year ago, I suffered a medical condition, and began to use again. We were in the process of finalizing our second adoption when she decided she'd had enough. She made me think everything was fine, and then the very day we finalized the adoption, she told me she wanted a divorce. She later confessed to me that she just stoped loving me long ago, but did not want to jeopardize the adoption. At first, i was in shock, and just got my stuff and left. The next day, I begged her to not go through with it, but nothing I said mattered. I would of done anything to keep us together, but she threw me away. For the most part, our divorce has been civil, but my emotions are raw. I love her so much still, but she has already moved on, and lacks very little remorse or compassion for what I'm going through. She believes she was a perfect wife, and that I screwed it all up. I'm starting to believe the same thing. I try to justify my marriage mistakes by trying to blame her, but in the end, I can only blame myself. The guilt of losing her is becoming unbearable. I'm pretty sure I don't want to live anymore. I love and miss her so much, and the thought of her with another man destroys me even more. This probably sounds pathetic to some of you other men, but to each his own. I'm destroyed! 

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
November 17th, 2013 - 00:17

Hi There,

There is nothing pathetic about being in love and breaking up. It sucks, doesnt matter how it happened it is heartbreaking and I dont think anyone will think less of you for feelign bad - espeically guys who have been divorced we know the feeling.

Your wife checked out emotionally long ago as is usually the case with highly premeditated divorce. She will have spent many hours shutting down her feelings for you even if it is a lie so she can go through with the divorce. This often makes you feel bad but sometimes they might seem colder than they actually are. However they may have spent months convinceing themself that you are all that was wrong with the marriage despite thier own faults.

This does not change the fact that is is over though and focusing on the reasons no longer helps. There is only the future which may look bleak now, but only because you are viewing it through the lens of your old marriage and the divorce.

Now is the time to look inside yourself and really find out what you need to feel whole again. A sense of purpose for yourself that will help you move forward and find new purpose. Its not easy, its not even quick, but it can happen and you will be better for it.

Best of luck.

Zane
November 11th, 2013 - 16:05

Any advice for someone who's wife of 4 years (been together for 10) just came out as gay out of nowhere and says she is passionately in love with another married woman, who is in turn passionately in love with my wife? We just bought a house to begin settling down at the end of June this year. She confessed to all of this one month later. We cannot afford two residences and as such are still living together in separate bedrooms. We do not have any kids Needless to say, this has been total hell for my mind, body, and soul. I am 38 and will be starting over again. I was really hoping to have a family by this point..

Since telling me, she has shut off emotionally completely. We are amicable, but there is NO chance at reconciliation. She does not care at all to try to salvage this. She said even if there was not this woman, that she wants to be with women in general and has to explore this side of her. To say this has been a hit to my ego snd sense of manhood is a huge understatement. 

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
November 17th, 2013 - 00:03

Hi Zane,

That is a really tough situation.

First up, while your ego has taken a hit you cannot blame yourself for the actions and desires of another. There is evidence that suggests that older women have a higher chance of changing thier sexuality. That doesnt help you I know but its biological perhaps and nothing to do with you are a person or as a man.

Secondly, living together is not optimal. I know its not going to be easy but somehow you need to get your own space and either move out or she should. I cannot comment on your particula situation but I have seen too many guys still living with thier ex-wives and it ALWAYS makes matters worse.

Kathryn
November 16th, 2013 - 08:08

Dear Kyle Where to start - I guess by saying that my last ditch attempt to save my relationship with my boyfriend by giving him your book didn't work. He finished our relationship. He just couldn't be the person he used to be before his divorce shattered his confidence and self belief. I personally understood so much from reading your book and can see many people going through the same stages amongst my friends and family, but it wasn't me that needed the help. I suppose after such a prolonged time dealing with the emotions on his own it was going to take nothing short of a miracle to change his deep rooted feelings. I think in meeting me so soon after his divorce, it was the classic mistake of trying to move on too fast, without letting time do some healing. It was probably doomed from the start but i was too head over heels to see (or know) what was really going on. A tragic end, to something that for a time was so special. It was worth trying everything, at least I can live with myself knowing that.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
November 16th, 2013 - 23:59

Hi Kathryn,

I am sorry to hear it did not work out. Though hopefully you could at least see why it happened and know it was not your fault.

It is very hard to get a man to start down the healing path I do have to admit. Only when they are ready will they look for help which makes it so hard to deal with men after divorce before they are ready. Stubborn pride and hurt egos get in the way - i was no better for a time i must confess.

I hope he finds some peace and I with you the best of luck

Paige
November 17th, 2013 - 14:14

I have a very good male friend who is now 5 years into trying to finalize a nasty divorce.  We have never dated nor does he date anyone else,  but I  have found myself in love with him for the past 2 years.  We do spend time together and seem to be getting a lot closer.  How do I manage to give him the support he needs without putting pressure on him?  I feel we definitely have a future together as we have so much in common and the same group of friends  I love him enough to walk away rather than give him any pain.  How is the best way for me to handle this and allow him to heal in a healthy way?

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
November 18th, 2013 - 03:45

Hi Paige,

I am a little uncomfortable in giving general advice on situations like this because each situation and each man is very different.

That being said I think I can gives some very general advice in that you need to be aware of where this man is in his recovery. If they have moved closer to a stage of acceptance and seem to be moving on with their lives and reinventing who they are a little its a good sign. If they are angry, depressed, confused, then they are right in the middle and a relationship at this time might be very difficult.

Any relationship with a divorced guy is going to come with baggage and you will have to accept that also. There is always going to be something inside them that will skew their view of relationships in odd ways. This is not something that cannot be overcome but I do have to warn you that it will not be all peachy even if they are fully ready to date again.

The best thing you can do is be there to listen and give them an outlet to talk. Often they cannot do this freely with others, but only if they want to release what is inside them - some might not feel comfortable with that either though.

In the end you need to help them acknowledge the past, but focus on the future and being a whole person again.

Olive
November 17th, 2013 - 16:04

A good friend of mine since college recently broke up with his girlfriend of ten years. We are both creative professionals. I recruited him for a project without knowing about the breakup and stumbled into becoming a (very) brief rebound for him before he vanished from communication. It was painful because we have always been quite fond of each other. Thankfully, experience with a recent divorcee several years earlier had given me some frame of reference for his behavior. I knew well enough to let him alone.

After many months of radio silence, mutual involvement in another project brought us back into contact. He immediately and clearly expressed regret for how he had handled things with me. He described feelings of failure over his breakup and generally not "being okay." I showed sympathy and forgiveness. We restored our good vibe, enjoying some laughs like old times. I let him know that he was always welcome to get in touch (we both travel a lot so are not always in the same place at the same time). 

If he reaches out to me again, I would like to put what happened behind us because he's one of my favorite people. But, not having ever been in his situation, deep down, I still struggle to understand how he could have treated a good friend so carelessly and can't help feeling burned. At least your site has given me some perspective. 

Would it be foolish for me to give him a second chance? Did what happened necessarily preclude future involvement? If not, is total passivity on my part still the best course? Any advice would be greatly appreciate.

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
November 18th, 2013 - 03:54

Hi Olive,

As i just said i find it hard to give advice on this issue to women because I just do not know enough details and men - like anyone - are complicated creatures.

I have seen plenty of men who get into sexual relationships very quickly after a breakup not because they are callous but sometimes they see this as a way to somehow restore their feelings of self worth.

Most of the time this does not work and makes them feel even worse. The shame of it can drive them away which could explain that lack of communication.

It really depends how far he has come on his recovery process and how he now views himself and his place in the world. If the fear and doubt still rule him I would tread very carefully. If not, I am always a believer in second chances, but it is up to you to find out if he has truly moved on or is still mired in that dark place where they need support and friends and not lovers.

Nicholas
November 29th, 2013 - 02:36

Kyle,

I was a good husband and found out some very disturbing things about my wife.  I asked her to get help and instead she kicked me out.  I found out after she kicked me out she was pregnangt.  For nine months she would not inform of anything regarding the baby or the birth.  The child is mine.  I had no say so in naming him. Now I'm in a bitter legal battle, being screwed by the courts financialy and 32 and living with my patents.  I don't know what to do.  I do not know how I am going to pay for this divorce, make enough money to achieve my goals and dreams. Basic things like buy a home, pay my child support, drive a modest vehicle, save for retirement and just be happy again.  I am emotionally numb and dead.  Everyday is a fight and I constantly worry about money and don't know where it is going to come from.  I don't know what to do.  I feel hopless and very dark. 

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
November 29th, 2013 - 22:55

Hi Nicholas,

It is always tough when you look ahead like that. I think that many guys think like that though - constantly looking ahead and planning for their future and the future of their family.

The problem is that there is a huge gap between what you want and what you believe you can achieve that will paralyze you from making short term goals.

This is the time to be looking short term and executing whatever tactics you need to achieve the short term goals of survival and healing. Why you ask?

Because the long term is going to be in flux for a long long time. Much will change, so planning for long term eventualities might be a waste of time and energy anyway.

So take care of yourself and focus on your own emotional well being and short term goals and you will be better prepared to deal with the bigger life questions later.

Paolo
January 1st, 2014 - 22:08

I just got divorced after a nasty

process like, probably, the majority of cases of

dissolution of marriage. I am the father of four

great boys. My question is: what can

I do to educate them to the seriousness of

getting married and the dear consequences that they would

be likely to pay - as men - in case of divorce in a

"no fault", pro-wife court system.

Thanks

Paolo

Los Angeles (CA)

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
January 2nd, 2014 - 05:20

I do not know the exact answer to that except to say that you should do it without laying any hatred or anti-female in your education. This can be a poisonous thing because as we know not ALL women are terrible - but the system around divorce is certinaly in disrepair.

The worst thing to do would be to drive them away from commitment which can bring enormous joy, but to make sure they understand the consequences of a divorce from the perspective of the system. If they can view that dispassionatly and seperate that from thier view of women then they should grow up cautious, prepared, but not cynical or negative.

This is how I try to talk to my boys but I also realise they will form thier own opinions.

Danny B.
January 16th, 2014 - 19:07

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We have been in eachothers lives for the better part of 18 & 1/2 years. we started out as co-workers, moved on to good friends, then to best freinds. She then met someone, got pregnant and married him. We lost sight of eachother during this time (5 years). She then divorced him and re-connected with me but now had two childred, a girl who was one and a 5 year old boy. We re-connected and became friends again. after some time, she realized she always loved me and told me. I then, not quite feeling the same way, told her have always loved her. we started dating for a period of a year and a half. We would argue, fight and break up over and over again until one time I decided that I cant let her go and committed to wanting to marry her after we lived to gether for at least a year. she agreed, and we did and wound up getting married.Kind of a "and the lived happily ever after" story. But the reality is, we constantly argued and were never on the same page. When things got bad, we would always remember how we got along when we were just freinds and we always made up. But then we would always find something to argue about. I guess I my heart was never into the marriage. I never really loved my wife the way a husband should. She loved me and gave me a sense of protection and always put her own needs aside for mine. I always took her for granted and I admit, I could have done so much more. I felt at the time that if i wasnt married, I wouldn not amount to much. And since I married ny best friend, I thought we would always be together, no matter how rough things got. I guess I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness just so I can be with my wife to save me from being alone or having to take care of myself. This past year, has been one argument after another. I developed a bad drinking problem over the past three years that constantly loomed over us like a drak cloud. We would have gotten divorced despite my drinking but it certainly did not make things easier. I deicded to get help and got sober, not for her but for myself. I had hoped it would some how help our marriage to recover but it was to little too late! Upon my 60th day of sobriety, I discovered my wife had been dating an older gentlemen from her work. She had fallen in love with him and was seeing him every weekend. Her excuse was that she had already checked out of our marriage years ago so she had to begin to "live her life" even though we were not divorced and still living in the same house. It took me some time, but I moved out and back in with my parents, temporarily until I can get back on my feet. We are now seperated and will be filing our divorce soon. My mourning comes from the death of the "idea" i had of being married. The "fary tale marriage". I cant seem to let go of that and I grieve every day even though I know that divorce is the only answer. I cant let go of the dream.......

John
May 16th, 2014 - 12:52

15 years, 3 kids, and i amin big turmoil. I like how you mentiomed bitterness.. without even realizing i have become a close, hurt, broken man. Thank you for your site... i found it last night at 3 in the morning sleepless. It gave me hope i can come through this. 

Kyle Morrison - Men After Divorce Author
May 21st, 2014 - 05:11

Hi John, I am glad my site has helped.

Do not feel bad that you feel bitter now - it is all part of the process we go throuhg.

You need to experience and feel that, as long as you do not dwell on it. Trying to shut down our emotions does not get rid of them, but it simmers inside us ready to burst out twice as strong unless we give ourselves to those feelings just for a time so we can follow the brains natural course of dealign with grief.

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