Men After Divorce

Men and Divorce Help – Why We Are Our Own Worst Enemy

January 4th, 2012 | by | recovery, self esteem

Jan
04

Men and Divorce Help

Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?

When it comes to guys looking for divorce help I am often reminded that we can be our own worst enemy in this regard. While I will probably digress into broad generalisations and stereotype here, I do believe that stereotypes are not created in a vacuum and they do have some truth to them even if they are exaggerations.

Men are often too proud. We are stubborn, we believe we are right, and we do not like to beg or to ask for help. Men are considered by society as the ones who should be strong and independent, that must be the rock that bears out the storm, that they are emotionally stable at all times … and we also know this is not the truth at all for the vast majority of regular guys.

Men have the same depth of feelings as any woman. Men have problems, feel pain, feel confused, and can frequently not know what to do when they are out of their depth. As much as society beams out this image of a perfect stoic man, it is just not the case and possibly never really was – it is an idealisation just as bad for men’s self esteem as women’s obsession over models on magazines.

This brings me to why we are our own worst enemies – Because we all too often believe the unrealistic view that society has imposed upon us rather than the truth!

We are conditioned to hide our feelings and ignore them. We are conditioned to believe that if we show signs of weakness, than we are weak and therefore of less worth to society and ourselves. You might not think in those terms but subconsciously many guys believe this so strongly it impedes our ability to ask for help, or help ourselves properly. Here is a quick test to see if this might be happening to you:

  • You feel ashamed that you are feeling miserable or crying
  • You blame yourself for the breakdown of the marriage and believe it was your duty to hold it together
  • You feel a huge loss of self worth and feel that people are judging you for being divorced
  • You turn down offers of help as you do not want to seem like you cannot cope
  • You find yourself comparing your life and actions to other men poorly

These are a few symptoms of this way that we cling to the idea of the idealised man. You can see how it might be interfering with being able to get help, or be able to help yourself too.

How Can Men Get Divorce Help?

Divorce Help For MenThe first step to any sort of self improvement is self awareness. There is no one shot fixes to anything, it is a process and you need to be able to understand yourself – and what is blocking your abilities to overcome the pain of divorce. This comes down to a central point I make about all men – and women too for that matter – which is that we are all controlled by our ego; our sense of self.

Our sense of self is an important thing but it hates to change and a divorce irrevocably changes us. Part of our ego is how we believe we should act and feel due to what we have been taught and societies expectations on us too. We need to acknowledge these things and inspect them even if it might seem taboo. The only way to move forward is to leave all these things behind and not be controlled by your ego otherwise you begin to try and bolster your ego doing self destructive things such as:

  • Trying to prove how manly you are by drinking, fighting, or pushing the limits of drug usage
  • Turning down offers of help to make you feel you are powerful and strong enough to go it alone
  • Forcing your emotions down deeper and deeper because dealing with them might make you feel less of a man – but those emotions will bubble to the surface later and come out of dangerous or violent ways.

There are many more examples but the core message is that men need to be able to lay down their ego and stop the foolish adherence to the idealised idea of what a man should be. For more divorce help on the psychology of all of this, check out my complete guide to divorce recovery for men which details this in full – and how you can quickly and easily use this to leave your divorce behind and gain a happier and better future.

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Divorce Support For Men – Cultivating Support Networks

September 16th, 2011 | by | general, recovery

Sep
16

divorce support for menOne major part of divorce support for men is cultivating your own support networks. As hard as it seems, and as much as you either want to be stoic and do it alone – or on the other end of the scale desperately want someone to step in and help – these things are not often feasible.

You need to take some action and responsibility for support because as a man you will not be offered as much, there will be less resources around, and you might be your own worst enemy and decide you cannot seek divorce support because it would make you seem weak.

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Firstly though – there are a lot of support services for men popping up nowadays. Much more than there used to be in fact. These can be very helpful to many men in overcoming the pain and hopelessness of divorce. There are services that are over the phone, via the net, or more traditional one in groups, or even one on one counsellors. There is nothing wrong with using these services and I encourage you to do so if there are ones in your area especially. This is extremely helpful if you do not have many friends of family where you live because being alone is the absolute worst part.

Secondly – and what this blog post is more focused on – is creating your own social support networks to help you through the tough times.

Men tend to not have fantastic support networks compared to women. Like all things this is just a generalisation, but there is enough evidence to see this as quite typical. Men in marriages tended to have male friends who could be counted on to be on hand to help, to be there for a laugh, to always back them up. These male friends however tend not to be as good at helping each other emotionally.

It is hard for men to open up about the things they need to talk about which often drives men away from each other when they do not know how to interact anymore. Men also tend to not have many female friends either cutting off a more social acceptable avenue of gaining someone to talk to and receive the empathy they desire. This lack of being able to interact in the way that you need is a hindrance and a man’s own feeling of shame from a divorce can drive them inwards which is a bad place to be.

Creating Social Divorce Support For Men

This is not an easy process for men as has been mentioned. It involves a lot of skills and action that might seem foreign, or at least uncomfortable for many guys. It involves a certain strength, and also an ability to show weakness and pain as well. It requires that you give to receive in regards to social and emotional help also. This might seem odd sop I wanted to start with the things that do NOT work well that many guys have tried, or unconsciously do when trying to get divorce support for their life.

  • divorce support for men mistakesDo NOT Blather – While you need to open up and talk about your emotions and feelings and all that stuff that is building up inside of you, some guys unload too much at once. This might be because it takes such a huge effort to begin to do, that it comes out in a huge wave. This can be off-putting depending on who you are speaking to. People are not ready to deal with such anguish at the drop of a hat usually. Choosing the right person or people to help is important and having their consent to unload is also important. As much as you need and want help you need to empathise with them as well.
  • Do NOT Choose The Wrong People – This is dangerous as has just been mentioned. Some guys get help form the wrong people. People such as bitter divorcees who think they are helping by filling your head with revenge, bitterness, and hopelessness themselves. Some find what they think is a helpful soul online who might not be as they seem, or might not really be committed to helping in the long run. Choosing the right people to include in a support network is vital – and categorising them for what you need is also important which I will cover later.
  • Do NOT Give Up! – It sometimes seems like an easier path to simply shut yourself away and hope that you will simply push through this on your own. You might believe that if you just cry it out alone you will emerge the other side bright and shining to rejoin your friends as you were before without them having to see you at your worst. First, this is a good way to head for a deep depression as isolation and lack of social interaction has been proven to be one of the chief causes of clinical depression. Secondly who are these friends if they do not see you like this? How good are your friends and family if they will not support you now. This might be the chance to really find who are the people who will live in your heart forever.

So with these things in mind, how can a man after divorce create a working social support group to help him through the tough time, be there when he needs company or assistance, and be a part of the recovery process?

  • mens divorce support adviceFind The Right People – This is very important part of divorce support for men and possibly the hardest thing because it can be difficult to judge. Sometimes the most important social support you will get you might not even know yet, but making the wrong choice is quite problematic. The best way to start is to make a list of your friends and family and work out how you want to interact with them. This will not be a final list, but something to jog your mind on who might be able to give company, who might be there to lend a hand, who might be the wise ones who will listen. It is also a good way to simply get something started as it does not hurt to contact all of these people just to be in touch.
  • Commit To Social Interaction – Once you have a list of people make sure to commit to socially interacting with them and others. Make a real commitment to catch up, even if it is just a short visit. Making connections with other people helps, it allows you to get perspective on your predicament and you will find ways these people can become a more solid part of divorce support networks for you. Make REAL commitments not just a vague idea you might call or visit – force yourself to do this even if you feel awful. It is better to be miserable in company than by yourself!
  • Be Honest With Yourself & Them – This does not mean letting it all out as I have warned of, but make it clear that you are having a tough time and are glad for their company at least. Be honest that this is what you also want and are not just looking for sympathy or someone to bitch about your ex with. Be honest with your feelings and share when required to get that perspective you lack when keeping it all inside. Take everyone’s points of view on board and be honest and thankful for the experience.
  • Have Empathy – The people who will become a part of your divorce support network will need to be empathic people who will be able to understand you and understand your grief. You also need to be empathic of their needs as well as to not take advantage of their kindness. Supporters do not want to be emotional sponges either and will need your thanks and support as well. We give and we get as the old sayings go, this is important for long lasting and solid relationships otherwise you might find yourself being abandoned by people who might see you as too needy or too hard to work with.

This is hardly scratching the surface I think but hopefully gives you a start on how to cultivate your own divorce support for men. Being social, choosing the right people, committing, and giving back what you get are all the main points I can think of at this time. Feel free to add more in the comments box below – or if you are looking for more help on divorce recovery for men visit the main page to check out my men after divorce eBook

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Starting Over After Divorce For Men

September 1st, 2011 | by | recovery

Sep
01

Starting Over After Divorce For MenStarting over after divorce for men and women is always going to be a very long and painful event. For men in particular though there seems to be a greater shift in how they must do this which many women might not really understand – and many guys who have not been through the same things as well.

There is a certain myth, a certain misconception that men move on fast after a divorce and actually start over after divorce very easily. There are many reports of guys finding new women in a few weeks and leaving behind their old life in the dust like a cloak they could just take off and throw away. If you are a man recovering from divorce you know this is not exactly the case and that this view of men is grossly unjustified for a few reasons.

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  1. That guys you see swanning about with new women has usually NOT moved on and started his life over. This is a classic case of a guy trying to find meaning, or compensating in wrong ways for the pain he is suffering inside. Womanising, drinking, trying to feel free and forgetting their ex wife is behind this sort of activity and when done too soon this is often harmful and damaging in the long term.
  2. This is STILL a very unusual thing to see. Most divorced men take just as long to start over and come to grips with the emotional turmoil than women. The role of husband is often so ingrained into a man that being single again is disorienting and confusing. The reason you see that other guy is because he is visible – the other men are at home alone with their thoughts and memories haunting them.

This is not exactly what I wanted to talk about though, it is just something that bothers me and gives the wrong impression to society about men and men’s mental health as well. What I did want to speak about was the process you need to go through to truly be able to start over after divorce for men.

fresh start after divorceLets define what starting over is though. On this site I use a lot of phrases like “divorce recovery for men” & “life after divorce for men” and so on, and while all that could be seen to be a single facet of moving on there are some differences between each phrase. If you are looking for the words starting over after divorce for men online for instance then you are looking for a specific thing which is a new beginning, a break point from your old life into a new one. This implies a reset, a fresh start which is a good thing overall, but can be fraught with danger of you have not gone through the right process to get to this point.

As I have mentioned before on this blog a few times the feelings of despair, anger, hopelessness, and panic all comes from the same place which is a sense of grief. It is not a unique cycle that only effects the divorced, we go through the same process when a loved one dies, or we lose something very close to our heart in any way. The problem with divorce is that we lose it – but they are still around and taking you to court!

A man must go through the stages of grief and emerge form the other side with a sense of acceptance and hopefully even forgiveness (this is a loaded term, but it does not mean condoning any actions of yourself, your ex wife or any other parties – it just means it no longer bothers you.). Once a man can come to grips with the emotional turmoil and find that sense of peace and purpose then he can start over and live him life anew.

What this means is that it is not really possible to start over after divorce for guys until they get this sorted. If you think you can just dust your hands and begin a new life by moving into a new place, getting a new job, dating a new woman and all that jazz – you are mistaken. Trying to move on and start over without dealing with these issue is like building a castle on shifting sands. It is like trying to win a race with your feet nailed to the floor. You can try but you are going to hit a brick wall because you are not ready. Recovering from divorce and starting a new life is a process, not a single decision point.

My eBook goes into depth on this process but also covers the steps to starting out again and moving into a new life including dating. This is only covered after the most important part which is understanding your own mind and heart and achieving a level of peace before this new life. Click below to find out more.

Men After Divorce – Divorce Recovery For Men

 

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Self Help For Divorced Men

August 5th, 2011 | by | general, recovery

Aug
05

self help for divorced menThe self help industry is a strange modern phenomenon. If you go into any bookshop you will find row after row of self help books dealing with every aspect of life. Self help books for all ages including kids (which strikes me as going a little bit too far!) and for all the problems you can possibly think of. Self help for divorced men however is not overly well represented on these shelves just as the issue of men after divorce is not terribly well represented.

Before I get into that though, just what is it about this whole industry of self help that has captured the interest of the western world at least? Why the sudden boom over the last few decades? Are we all on a self improvement kick to explore our true potential, or are we just addicted to gurus who preach common sense which we take as drops of golden wisdom?

Now, I am the author of a book that gives self help for divorced men so I am a part of this industry whether I like it or not. I wanted to make it clear where I stand as I discuss these things so I do not seem hypocritical or nonsensical. However, I am fascinated by good and bad self help, and there is a LOT of bad self help out there – but also some very good publications as well. The problem is that it is a mess of too much choice and too much information. This can be confusing, but still alluring to those desperate for an answer to their troubles.

After looking into many self help books I have realised that nearly all of them CAN be used to help you through your struggles, but the statistics show that 80% of self help book buyers are repeat customers who find they continue to buy more and more, but never seem to get the right results. Why? This seems counter intuitive right?

Some have speculated that this is because the readers looking for answers are more interested in looking for an answer, rather than applying the methods needed to get the results. Other say that repeat customers blame themselves when they fail and get the next book to try again. I do not want to comment too much on these things without doing research except to say that I have found that some self help books and courses have been very good for me which inspired me to write my eBook on self help for divorced men.

So what’s the point of this post? The main thing I wanted to say is that self help is only as good as you apply it with diligence. Too many skim read, think they get a greater understanding but do not apply the wisdom within and end up feeling bad about the whole experience, or thinking they are wiser without any real proof of this fact. If you just read a few books on self improvement but take the teachings to heart you will be much more effective in your life than if you buy a hundred that you only half think about properly. Application is the really hard bit – it is easy to read words on a page and nod along.

If you think about it, this is the real basis of “self” help – you are helping yourself. The knowledge you get from others is only the catalyst for your own self improvement. With this in mind I want to say to all men after divorce looking for help that there is a lot of good stuff out there, but you have to actually put some real effort into making significant changes in your life based on the knowledge you gain from whatever source.

While I obviously want to promote my own eBook, there are many great motivational and self improvement publications out there. A few other of my favourites are:

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How To Help a Friend Going Through Divorce

July 20th, 2011 | by | general, recovery

Jul
20

how to help a friend going through divorceWhile this site is mainly dedicated to self help for men going through divorce, all too often us guys do not go seeking advice and help out of a mistaken sense of trying to be “strong” and independent. It is often other people in their lives that try to find ways to reach out to them and find it very difficult, or simply do not even know how to approach such a raw and delicate topic. How to help a friend going through divorce is not just a unique skill for this particular situation – it can be applied to any situation where you are trying to help someone overcome grief and loss. However this post will delve into the more unique aspects of men and divorce as well, to help you tailor your approach.

Firstly I think it might be helpful to break it down into what you should NOT do. Common mistakes that people always make out of ignorance, or out of well meaning – but misplaced efforts.

  • how not to help a friend through divorceDo NOT Insult Their Ex Wife - It might seem tempting to begin to demonise the ex wife in an attempt to make your friend feel they are better off without them, or to try to convince them that it was all the ex wife’s fault and none of theirs. Even if they are doing it themselves in front of you, never join in because they might not really feel the same as what they – and you – are saying. A session of complaining against women and especially the ex might actually end up angering your friend because they still will leap to the defence of their ex at this stage. It is also just good practice not to bad mouth people even if they do deserve it.
  • Do NOT Try To Fix Their Problems – I know the feeling of seeing a good friend or loved one dealing with a big problem badly. Sometimes you just want to jump in and tell them exactly how they should fix it. You might even know from experience, or have very good reason to believe you are correct. However at this stage you should not be offering advice to someone who is not yet ready to hear it. They might be angry at you, ignore you, or take the advice the wrong way. People will only change when they are in the right space to change and your role as a friend is to support not to force their hand.
  • Do NOT Attempt To Get Them To Date – Some people believe the best way to get over a hard break-up or divorce is to hit the dating scene again to find a new lover. This is the absolute WORST mistake a friend can make when trying to help their friend. This could be disastrous to a mans self esteem if they do badly, and very bad even if they are successful because they are trying to boost their self esteem in the short term rather than trying to find a long term solution to their happiness and life goals. Trust me; do not encourage them to do this!!
  • Do NOT Avoid The Topic – While it is a difficult topic to approach you should not shy away from talking about the divorce. This does not mean you should go headlong into it, but acknowledging that you know they are getting a divorce and that you are there to help them is a good start. If you do not acknowledge this, it becomes a strange unsaid void between you and your friend and they will not be certain if they should talk to you about it as you might be uncomfortable with the topic.

Now these are not the only mistakes that you can make when trying to help a friend going through divorce, but they are some of the most common ones. They also lead into how you should be approaching this delicate topic. Here are a few more tips on what you SHOULD be doing to support your divorced friend.

how to help your friend after divorce

  • Acknowledge The Divorce – As mentioned before, you need to broach the issue quite early so that there can be a dialogue about the divorce. You do not need to say you want to talk about it, or that they need to talk about it – you just need to let them know that you know and that you care. You might even tell them that you do NOT know what to say and how to feel about their divorce; that is ok too. It will mean a lot to them that you are just there for them – and it gives them the initiative to talk when they are ready without fear of being ignored, misunderstood, or preached at.
  • Listen! – This is the most important skill to have when supporting a friend after their divorce. You do not need to even need to reply, as long as you are there for them to talk to when they are ready. One problem is that we often feel the need to interject and ask more questions, or offer advice. This will not help when what they need is someone for them to pour out their thoughts and feelings too. This will allow them to often find the right decisions without ever saying a word! One tactic that is very useful in this area is what is known as active listening where you reflect back what they say to them in your own words. This way you engage in a conversation but they drive the entire thing.
  • Be Grounded – While you need to empathise, make sure to not get carried away if they begin to over react to things. You need to be grounded and realistic to help them avoid complicated situations and be able to more through the divorce well.
  • Offer Help – Make sure you offer some practical help as well as your words and your ear. Simple things like doing small errands to help them save time, or doing small things that might be painful for them to deal with can make a big difference and shows a lot of support.
  • Watch For Warning Signs – While it is natural for them to be anger, sad, scared and so forth – if you see a major serious decline into depression, drinking, or any other destructive behaviours do not turn a blind eye. Make sure to contact whoever you can to give them the help they need if things are becoming out of control.
  • Laugh! – No matter how serious life is we all need to laugh. It is amazing how much this can help someone who is feeling low and lost. Simple humour and laughter can have a massive impact on their outlook and actually stimulates feel good chemicals in the brain that can boost their mood. It can also remind them that life can be fun and worth living even if times are dark.

This is by no means an all encompassing list, but I think it sums up what you need to be to help a friend going through divorce. You are not their psychologist, you are not their life fixer, and you are not their silent companion either. You are their metaphorical shoulder to cry on until they need you to be more. You are there to help when it is needed – and not before. You are there to enable and empower them to change their own life for the better.

If you feel they are ready to learn more about themselves and how to get over a divorce specifically related to men, perhaps direct them to this blog – or to the main page where they can download the Men After Divorce eBook which maybe be a good guide for them to move through this rough phase of their life.

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Living With Your Wife After Separation and Divorce

July 10th, 2011 | by | general, recovery, self esteem

Jul
10

living with your wife after divorce

Still Sleeping On The Couch?

It came as quite a surprise to me to find that there seems to be a significant number of men living with their wife after separation and divorce. After speaking with a number of divorced men in real life and many more online in various forums, blogs, and via email it seems this phenomenon is quite widespread – if still not the norm. This prompted me to think a little more deeply on this topic of living with your wife after divorce and what the consequences of this might be.

I am going to hold off judgement on whether I think this is right or wrong until a little bit later. For the moment lets look at a few issues that surround this issue, and are consequences of it:

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money

Money: Many men I spoke to commented that it was simply about money. They could not afford to move out, or they could not afford to support their wife moving out. Money is always a major player in our minds when separation and divorce rears its ugly head and many guys focus on it almost exclusively as a way to keep things in perspective. Money becomes a central theme for some men and it gives them something to concentrate on and wrap their minds around while the more ambiguous emotions are left aside because they are too hard to deal with. While you can never dismiss the importance of money, it does sometimes become more of an issue that it really is – men should ask themselves the question, if they did have money, would they move out right away? If you hesitate then perhaps it is not really the money and you need to take a closer look.

childrenChildren: Another curly issue that comes up is of course children. How can either of you manage with kids when one moves out. Custody is a major issue here, but more importantly the safety, security and health of your children who are the innocent victims in this adult problem of separation and divorce. This is a tricky one and of course depends on custody laws and how far you are through getting s divorce. Amicable divorces might end up doing this for the sake of the children which might be a good thing, but if the divorce is not amicable – there might be more consequences of staying living together for the children than if one or the other moves out. A question to ask yourself might be what long term impact will the arguments, the lack of clarity and anxiety about the situation between their mom and dad. Are you doing what is best for your kids in this instance?

attachmentAttachment: For many men after separation and divorce, the real reason they do not move out is because of the attachment issues they still have with their ex-wife and their home. This is the real reason behind many guys choosing to live with their ex-wife. Some men even sit through enormous indignities such as their ex going out partying every night, flirting with other men on the phone in front of them – and in some very sick cases having to be present when their ex brings back a new boyfriend for the night (in one case the kids were also present which makes me very sad). Men who do this are often stuck in the stage of denial which is the first stage of grief where we cannot accept what is actually happening. In rare cases some men have gone through this – past the stage of anger – and end up in the bargaining stage. They are actually trying to somehow work out a deal to bring their marriage back (which never happens). I explain in more detail the stages of divorce in my e-book you can find by clicking here.

stubbornPride & Stubborness: Another reason some guys do not move out is pride and/or being stubborn. Not wanting to move because they should and if they refuse this becomes a kind of passive aggressive action against their ex. Men doing this might be mired in the anger stage of divorce and are looking for nay way to express it without too much confrontation. A kind of Mexican stand off with their wife but never actually saying what they really want. This is quite rare though from my experience as this cannot last long before something breaks.


So should you live with your wife after separation or divorce?

At first I thought it was very strange and my mind instantly said no. From my experience and research this sort of proximity with the person you must end your relationship with causes until tension and problems. Emotional turmoil, arguments, hostility, and sometimes sexual encounters which can complicate things even further. It also, as has been mentioned, comes with a certain amount of humiliation for many guys whose ex wife does not respect their feelings or space. However, after thinking upon this and talking with some men my mind has been changed but only very slightly. If you are living with your wife (or ex-wife) after separation or divorce then there are only a very few select sets of circumstances where it might work out.

  • It needs to be an amicable divorce without hostility
  • If children are involved they need to be treated fairly and understand what is happening
  • You must be doing this out of a sense of co-operation and not being mired in the early stages of divorce recovery.
  • If money is the real issue, then you must be prepared to save up and work out better living arrangements as soon as possible.

Some Tips to Live With Your Ex After Divorce

live with wife after divorceSome further tips on how to create a stable living environment if you have to live with your ex wife after you are separated or divorced are needed because this can be an emotional minefield that you will have to navigate every day. Let take a look at a few things you can do:

 

  • Separate sleeping arrangements that never meet are vital. NEVER sleep together or in the same room. Make sure you separate yourself and if possible both have beds, don’t have one person sleeping on a couch as this is a kind of humiliation that causes friction.
  • Draft a living agreement that clearly states who will do what so there is no leftovers from your marriage about who used to do what. Make sure there will be no arguments or manipulation, just a document which outlines who will do what so there is no confusion.
  • Make sure both of you have your own space. Following on from point one; you have to both feel comfortable in the house and not be stepping on each others toes all the time. Add this into the living agreement about times for bathrooms, when you have access to certain facilities and so forth.
  • Schedule things. Make sure everything is planned so you know when you should be out for the night when she invites the girls around, and vice versa. Also make sure to schedule in times to talk about the divorce if it has not finished yet so that it is never ad hoc and happens when one party is angry, upset, or tired.
  • If you are only waiting for a time that you or her can move out, make sure to keep to the schedule as well! Do not delay it!

You can only truly overcome and recover form divorce once you have the space to think and internalise all of the emotions and feelings that comes from a failed marriage. This can only be achieved after you stop living with your wife after separation. This is a process that can take some time and can be very destructive if you do not handle it right. This is why I wrote the Men After Divorce E-book and highly suggest you look into it if you are a guy struggling to cope after divorce.

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Men Dating After Divorce – Pitfalls & Dangers

June 19th, 2011 | by | dating

Jun
19

men dating after divorceMen dating after divorce can be a minefield that can blow up in our faces, and the people we are dating as well. There are so many issues that remain unresolved in a mans life and mind after a divorce, and many more he did not even know he had that can cause serious troubles. This is a legacy that all divorced men must deal with after separation and too many dive into this too soon, or without the real understanding of what they need to know to cope with the entire process.

So here are a few things to watch out for that might help men dating after divorce avoid the pitfalls that might derail them.

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1. Not Being Honest With Yourself

The reasons men start dating can be more varied than most people think. However, many guys are not really honest with themselves about what those reasons really are. Some men believe that they simply should to it to force them out of a funk, some might simply think they can get sex as they have lost their sexual partner of many years, others yet might do this to see if they can seduce women which gives them a boost to their self esteem.

These are not good reasons to go dating again.

Men dating after divorce who dive into it because they just think they should are obviously at a loss on how to improve their lives and will end up hurting themselves and the women they date. Men whoa re just looking for sex will end up disappointed even if they get sex (intimacy and sex are not the same), and guys who are looking for a quick self esteem boost will feel awful even if they succeed as they will find no lasting self respect from this activity.

Being clear with yourself on what you really want, and really NEED from dating after your divorce will help you launching into this and damaging yourself even further.

2. Not Practicing

Even if you are fairly clear of what you should be getting out of dating there is something about being divorced that makes us think that getting a date will immediately lead to something more. We have been so used to being with a single women for so long that often we simply expect that things will fall into place like your fondest memories of your ex before you were married (for some anyway).

Dating should be something you ease yourself into. It is something that takes practice if you have not been doing it for a while. You need to feel comfortable doing this and not feel some massive pressure behind each one. Dating should be enjoyable even if it does not go anywhere! This will help you expand your worldview on seduction, friendship, dating, sex, and your divorce.

Make sure you ease into this with very low key dating and do not laser target anyone until you are ready.

3. Talking About Your Divorce

This is a HUGE no-no when dating after divorce. No one wants to hear your tale of heartbreak and woe when they are out on a date! While it is important to find out about each other and explore each others past, and future, and personality, all too often men tend to seek some sort of sympathy about their divorce even without thinking. Sometimes it is not sympathy though, sometimes we get angry and bring that into the conversation as well which can be even worse.

Avoid it and focus on lighter things, try to make the date more about her than yourself and ask more questions as a way to keep off this topic. If you are pressed about it form your date it might be easier to simply tell her you don’t want to talk about that because you do not want to spoil the evening. It is not about being evasive, just about having a good experience.

4. Look for Someone Just Like Your Ex

Many men unconsciously, or sometimes deliberately, look for someone who is as close to their ex wife as possible. This is your mind wanting what it has lost, a clear quest to replace what was lost rather than moving with life. While some men do find love again with similar types of women, most of the time this will lead to disappointment because we will sabotage the relationship ourself.

Dating someone the same as your ex wife will make you treat her like your ex. It will colour everything you do, it will also probably become obvious that you are looking to replace that gaping hole in your heart which will not please your date one single bit.

It is also unwise because your marriage did NOT work out, why would you try to repeat the same thing over and again? Be aware that if you are seeing too many things in common with your ex in your date that you might want to revisit point number 1.

So what should, men dating after divorce so then you ask?

This is a pretty big topic, the short answer is that you need to be truly over your divorce which is what my men after divorce ebook deals with. However I will put up another blog post soon that deals with this in more detail one what you SHOULD be doing to make a successful venture back into the dating world.

 

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Queensland Floods

January 21st, 2011 | by | general

Jan
21

Sorry I have not been updating this blog as much as I had hoped. Life has a way of interfering with any grand project but I am still here and looking into more ways to help guys cope after divorce!

I did want to just make a quick post about the floods in Queensland Australia which has held my attention for weeks here in Sydney. I have seen so many heart breaking stories, but also so many acts of heroism, and just kind heartedness.

I thought about the families that have lost their businesses and their entire homes and are left now with nothing and hoping for the insurance companies to be good to their word … but even then, their HOME is gone not just the house. The place of memories and laughter and everything they hold dear gone in a torrent of flooding waters.

It reminded me of a divorce in a way, the absolute sense of loss and grief … and yet I see hope through these tears and hurt behind stoic eyes on th news stories. They know this is not the end, or will do in time. they, like any divorced man must face a period of grief to come to terms with such a loss because they have to, because it is the only way.

Nature however is sometimes easier to understand than women and relationships though because it is a mindless destructive energy, but the basics of grief are still the same.

The other aspect I thought of was the huge amount of support that we are giving to our fellow Australians in this period of crisis in terms of money and emotional and physical support. This is where men after divorce often get the rough end of the stuck by not having any great amount of support, or refusing it when it is offered.

But no matter how great the support it still comes down to each individual to be able to grieve, and move on after any disaster no matter how destructive in their life. We all have that amazing ability inside of us, it can just be harder to find sometimes than we can imagine.

I am a believer in some crude sort of karma though. I think a generosity of spirit comes back to you in multitudes more of happiness and opportunity. So here is what I am going to do for my part.

I am going to donate half of my entire earnings from my Men After Divorce ebook from today until the end of February to the Queensland state government’s charity fund appeal as my way to help anyone who buys my book and for all the folks in Queensland.

If you do no purchase a copy of my book, I do implore you to donate something even very small to this appeal which you can do through this link: http://www.qld.gov.au/floods/donate.html

Some videos of the flood:

Thank you
~Kyle Morrison


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Do Men Try Harder in Divorce?

September 25th, 2010 | by | recovery

Sep
25

I was reading an old post on a blog the other day while doing some research about men’s efforts in a relationship pre and post divorce and was wondering; do men try harder?

I try to never generalise because there are lazy, inconsiderate, and plain useless men out there who don’t try at all and sometimes don’t care. However, ignoring the minority of troglodytes that behave like this I have come to the conclusion men often do try harder during this phase and often in a relationship too.

The post i linked to mentions why and I will summarise. Basically it seems to be because men are naturally problem solvers and divorce is a BIG problem. W want to win, we want to solve the problem, we want to fix something that is broken. Also, men usually never have come to terms with a divorce when it is initiated which seems reasonable … but women have. Women have thought about a great deal and talked it over with many friends and family and by the time it comes to the announcement they are convinced and have shut down emotionally.

So is this a good thing or a bad thing though? We tend to be very proud of when we work hard and put an effort in whether it is cleaning the house or saving a failing marriage. However my point of view is it is neither good nor bad … it just IS.

In some ways in fact it can be bad, I am all for saving a marriage in crisis that can be saved, but when it goes beyond the point of no return we are left clinging to a fading hope by our fingernails fighting the inevitable. Then people wonder why we appear even more crushed when it does not turn out right.

This is why I am always for men moving on after divorce, not with other women, but emotionally and spiritually. In some cases this has led to reconciliation, but for the most part it simply allows a man to find his true self and be happy with the despite his relationship problems.

Trying hard does not make you a hero and does not equate to success always. When the writing is on the wall, it is time to fix your own problems (and be a good parent too) not your partners.

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How to Move on After Divorce for Men – The Power of the Pen

September 20th, 2010 | by | recovery

Sep
20

moving on after divorceDiscovering how to move on after divorce for men can be a long and arduous process. One of the biggest problems is the turbulent state of your mind and emotions. This shifting landscape of your mind makes it difficult to really understand the truth of the situations you are in and makes it difficult to move forward because your future and direction seem to be moving all over the place.

I remember at one stage after my divorce I changed my mind four times about going on a trip to clear my head. I even went as far as booking plane tickets then cancelling them and for the life of me, I could never quite work out who I wanted to go and why i did not! This is just a minor example, but some guys have massive problems in choosing a direction or understanding themselves because a single trigger can cloud your mind with anger, depression, anxiety, and other emotions that will change your mental state.

One thing that helped me when I was dealing with this volatile situation was using a pen.

That’s right, a pen. It was not even a fancy pen! It was a regular black biro with the lid missing and one end chewed from nervous fits when I was working out legalities of the divorce. The same pen that signed the divorce papers in fact helped me to move on from the divorce as well.

Ok, this was not some magic pen, the power of it is in the written word. You see, the written word does not change when you put it on paper. Your interpretation of it can change, but a well constructed letter can have usually a single meaning that will NOT shift and change like an upset mind.

So I offer this advice for guys finding it difficult to focus, understand themselves, understand the divorce, and of course move on from it – Write stuff down!

Some things to write when you are in a good frame of mind are:

  • Your plans for the immediate future
  • Your plans for the long term
  • Your emotions and frustrations
  • A letter to your ex wife (to be burned symbolically not sent!)
  • A letter to yourself to read again when you are feeling low
  • A budget! (this is more important for your mental health than you think …)
  • And more …

Harness the power of the pen guys! I talk more about how to use the written word to help you move on after divorce in my Men After Divorce guide as well.

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