Do Men Try Harder in Divorce?

I was reading an old post on a blog the other day while doing some research about men’s efforts in a relationship pre and post divorce and was wondering; do men try harder?

I try to never generalise because there are lazy, inconsiderate, and plain useless men out there who don’t try at all and sometimes don’t care. However, ignoring the minority of troglodytes that behave like this I have come to the conclusion men often do try harder during this phase and often in a relationship too.

The post i linked to mentions why and I will summarise. Basically it seems to be because men are naturally problem solvers and divorce is a BIG problem. W want to win, we want to solve the problem, we want to fix something that is broken. Also, men usually never have come to terms with a divorce when it is initiated which seems reasonable … but women have. Women have thought about a great deal and talked it over with many friends and family and by the time it comes to the announcement they are convinced and have shut down emotionally.

So is this a good thing or a bad thing though? We tend to be very proud of when we work hard and put an effort in whether it is cleaning the house or saving a failing marriage. However my point of view is it is neither good nor bad … it just IS.

In some ways in fact it can be bad, I am all for saving a marriage in crisis that can be saved, but when it goes beyond the point of no return we are left clinging to a fading hope by our fingernails fighting the inevitable. Then people wonder why we appear even more crushed when it does not turn out right.

This is why I am always for men moving on after divorce, not with other women, but emotionally and spiritually. In some cases this has led to reconciliation, but for the most part it simply allows a man to find his true self and be happy with the despite his relationship problems.

Trying hard does not make you a hero and does not equate to success always. When the writing is on the wall, it is time to fix your own problems (and be a good parent too) not your partners.

4 thoughts on “Do Men Try Harder in Divorce?”

  1. It’s been 10 months since my divorce was finalized, and the biggest struggle I’m having is with loneliness. My identity has been tied up with my roles (husband, father, etc.) and I’m finding it really hard to find consistent happiness. Before my divorce, I was an outgoing, very happy individual, but the divorce has hit my self-esteem and has affected me more than I ever imagined.

  2. Hi Rodney,

    You are not alone in that – I went through the same thing in that my entire sense of self worth was tied up in being a good father and husband.

    Loneliness is not just about our relationships with other people as we think though – it is also about our relationship with ourself. We often make ourselves lonely because we feel we NEED someone else to give us what we need rather than giving ourself what we need.

    Not saying it is easy to fix by the way – just that happiness can come from within yourself at all points by having a solid grounding of self respect.

    Check the ebook on the main page if you want to know more about that.

  3. Men do not try harder at all in a divorce. In my experience from being divorced twice and having many of my girlfriends divorce I can tell you now that they just up and leave and dont give a shit afterwards. 90% move straight on with another woman (if they were not cheating on thier wives before with that women). Women get it tougher essepcially when men spread rumours about us and shit like that!!!

  4. Hi Susan,
    While I respect the fact you have had some experiences to the contrary, I think it is a little unfair to say that 90% of men move on quickly and experience very little pain or trauma.
    You will meet many divorced men who will claim the same thing as you but about their ex wife. I do not have any statistics, but I do believe that emotionally men suffer a great deal and it is often ignored or well hidden by the man out of fear of being weak and un-manly.
    Women usually have better support systems and so can recovery much quicker – but both genders suffer, very few people go through divorce unscathed.

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