Men After Divorce

I was browsing around some website the other night and found an interesting piece about why failing in a relationship can be good for you. While it never feels like ti at the time, a divorce is only going to be painful and seem like a huge waste if you believe that and continue without making this a real learning experience.

I often refer to my divorce as a rebirth because it was such a painful experience but at the end gave me a new life, a new clarity, a new purpose. All this because i eventually came to see it from a different angle and incorporated what i learned into my new life. Some of these points were put forth pretty clearly in the writers (a Douglas LaBier, Ph.D) article:

“But what can go missing is a deeper learning, emotionally and spiritually: Learning not only what went wrong in your past, failed relationships; but also learning from the residue of the loss and using that awareness in your future relationships. That means incorporating the meaning of the loss or failure into the fabric of your life, and identifying what you need to learn from it as you go forward.”

This sort of introspection comes easily to some but very hard to others. While all guys should try to be aware of this, the other challenge in my opinion is to not let your emotions twist and distort the truth to form a negative thread in this tapestry of your life. Often we think we learn, but really we simply hold grudges, and add layers of shame and blame that do not really help us with future relationships; they harm them instead.

Another paragraph that grabbed my interest:

“Their legacy becomes woven into the larger tapestry of your life, even as that tapestry enlarges over time. The challenge is to incorporate all of it; learn about yourself from all of your experiences, especially what didn’t work or what was negative…or else keep repeating new versions of it.”

The repetition of the same mistakes we make over and over again is the curse of those who do not take the time, and sometimes the painful journey of really understanding themselves and their divorce. Sometimes it is because we shy away from the truths for easier comforts of anger or self pity … or even self loathing. The easy path is never the one that brings you the most emotional and spiritual gain.

“That’s what brought to mind the old tree trunk I saw as a young boy. Damaged where the lightning had struck, I noticed that the trunk had continued to grow around it and gradually encompassed the damaged part within it. It was like oneself: Even if you continue to grow and change, learn from your experiences and continue on with your life, your losses nevertheless remain part of you…. always there, a visible, enduring part of you. But by embracing that reality, loss of failure in love can be a good thing for your future relationships; if you can learn to integrate it and meld it into your ongoing life journey, your personal “evolution.”"

Evolution is a very good word for it. Nothing in our minds is a revolution, nothing changes in a moment to be so different than before that you have a whole new perspective of life. Your mind and your outlook is an evolving thing and one that you can direct with an understanding of that evolutionary psychological flow.

This is something I try to highlight in my Men After Divorce Ebook which gives that understanding of your emotions and psychological makeup and how you can then evolve into a stronger person emotionally and spiritually.

You can read the full article here:

Why Romantic-Sexual Relationship Failures Are Good For You