Men dating after divorce can be a minefield that can blow up in our faces, and the people we are dating as well. There are so many issues that remain unresolved in a mans life and mind after a divorce, and many more he did not even know he had that can cause serious troubles. This is a legacy that all divorced men must deal with after separation and too many dive into this too soon, or without the real understanding of what they need to know to cope with the entire process.
So here are a few things to watch out for that might help men dating after divorce avoid the pitfalls that might derail them.
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1. Not Being Honest With Yourself
The reasons men start dating can be more varied than most people think. However, many guys are not really honest with themselves about what those reasons really are. Some men believe that they simply should to it to force them out of a funk, some might simply think they can get sex as they have lost their sexual partner of many years, others yet might do this to see if they can seduce women which gives them a boost to their self esteem.
These are not good reasons to go dating again.
Men dating after divorce who dive into it because they just think they should are obviously at a loss on how to improve their lives and will end up hurting themselves and the women they date. Men whoa re just looking for sex will end up disappointed even if they get sex (intimacy and sex are not the same), and guys who are looking for a quick self esteem boost will feel awful even if they succeed as they will find no lasting self respect from this activity.
Being clear with yourself on what you really want, and really NEED from dating after your divorce will help you launching into this and damaging yourself even further.
2. Not Practicing
Even if you are fairly clear of what you should be getting out of dating there is something about being divorced that makes us think that getting a date will immediately lead to something more. We have been so used to being with a single women for so long that often we simply expect that things will fall into place like your fondest memories of your ex before you were married (for some anyway).
Dating should be something you ease yourself into. It is something that takes practice if you have not been doing it for a while. You need to feel comfortable doing this and not feel some massive pressure behind each one. Dating should be enjoyable even if it does not go anywhere! This will help you expand your worldview on seduction, friendship, dating, sex, and your divorce.
Make sure you ease into this with very low key dating and do not laser target anyone until you are ready.
3. Talking About Your Divorce
This is a HUGE no-no when dating after divorce. No one wants to hear your tale of heartbreak and woe when they are out on a date! While it is important to find out about each other and explore each others past, and future, and personality, all too often men tend to seek some sort of sympathy about their divorce even without thinking. Sometimes it is not sympathy though, sometimes we get angry and bring that into the conversation as well which can be even worse.
Avoid it and focus on lighter things, try to make the date more about her than yourself and ask more questions as a way to keep off this topic. If you are pressed about it form your date it might be easier to simply tell her you don’t want to talk about that because you do not want to spoil the evening. It is not about being evasive, just about having a good experience.
4. Look for Someone Just Like Your Ex
Many men unconsciously, or sometimes deliberately, look for someone who is as close to their ex wife as possible. This is your mind wanting what it has lost, a clear quest to replace what was lost rather than moving with life. While some men do find love again with similar types of women, most of the time this will lead to disappointment because we will sabotage the relationship ourself.
Dating someone the same as your ex wife will make you treat her like your ex. It will colour everything you do, it will also probably become obvious that you are looking to replace that gaping hole in your heart which will not please your date one single bit.
It is also unwise because your marriage did NOT work out, why would you try to repeat the same thing over and again? Be aware that if you are seeing too many things in common with your ex in your date that you might want to revisit point number 1.
So what should, men dating after divorce so then you ask?
This is a pretty big topic, the short answer is that you need to be truly over your divorce which is what my men after divorce ebook deals with. However I will put up another blog post soon that deals with this in more detail one what you SHOULD be doing to make a successful venture back into the dating world.