Starting Over After Divorce For Men

September 1st, 2011 | by | recovery

Sep
01

Starting Over After Divorce For MenStarting over after divorce for men and women is always going to be a very long and painful event. For men in particular though there seems to be a greater shift in how they must do this which many women might not really understand – and many guys who have not been through the same things as well.

There is a certain myth, a certain misconception that men move on fast after a divorce and actually start over after divorce very easily. There are many reports of guys finding new women in a few weeks and leaving behind their old life in the dust like a cloak they could just take off and throw away. If you are a man recovering from divorce you know this is not exactly the case and that this view of men is grossly unjustified for a few reasons.

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  1. That guys you see swanning about with new women has usually NOT moved on and started his life over. This is a classic case of a guy trying to find meaning, or compensating in wrong ways for the pain he is suffering inside. Womanising, drinking, trying to feel free and forgetting their ex wife is behind this sort of activity and when done too soon this is often harmful and damaging in the long term.
  2. This is STILL a very unusual thing to see. Most divorced men take just as long to start over and come to grips with the emotional turmoil than women. The role of husband is often so ingrained into a man that being single again is disorienting and confusing. The reason you see that other guy is because he is visible – the other men are at home alone with their thoughts and memories haunting them.

This is not exactly what I wanted to talk about though, it is just something that bothers me and gives the wrong impression to society about men and men’s mental health as well. What I did want to speak about was the process you need to go through to truly be able to start over after divorce for men.

fresh start after divorceLets define what starting over is though. On this site I use a lot of phrases like “divorce recovery for men” & “life after divorce for men” and so on, and while all that could be seen to be a single facet of moving on there are some differences between each phrase. If you are looking for the words starting over after divorce for men online for instance then you are looking for a specific thing which is a new beginning, a break point from your old life into a new one. This implies a reset, a fresh start which is a good thing overall, but can be fraught with danger of you have not gone through the right process to get to this point.

As I have mentioned before on this blog a few times the feelings of despair, anger, hopelessness, and panic all comes from the same place which is a sense of grief. It is not a unique cycle that only effects the divorced, we go through the same process when a loved one dies, or we lose something very close to our heart in any way. The problem with divorce is that we lose it – but they are still around and taking you to court!

A man must go through the stages of grief and emerge form the other side with a sense of acceptance and hopefully even forgiveness (this is a loaded term, but it does not mean condoning any actions of yourself, your ex wife or any other parties – it just means it no longer bothers you.). Once a man can come to grips with the emotional turmoil and find that sense of peace and purpose then he can start over and live him life anew.

What this means is that it is not really possible to start over after divorce for guys until they get this sorted. If you think you can just dust your hands and begin a new life by moving into a new place, getting a new job, dating a new woman and all that jazz – you are mistaken. Trying to move on and start over without dealing with these issue is like building a castle on shifting sands. It is like trying to win a race with your feet nailed to the floor. You can try but you are going to hit a brick wall because you are not ready. Recovering from divorce and starting a new life is a process, not a single decision point.

My eBook goes into depth on this process but also covers the steps to starting out again and moving into a new life including dating. This is only covered after the most important part which is understanding your own mind and heart and achieving a level of peace before this new life. Click below to find out more.

Men After Divorce – Divorce Recovery For Men

 

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6 Responses to “Starting Over After Divorce For Men”

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  1. rockme says:

    my abusive narcissistic exhusband found and was committed to his replacement woman within 3weeks of me filing. He has turned his back on our two daughters and spend all his energy n time focusing on her and her daughter. i truly believe the 18y we spent together meant nothing but a meal ticket and hot bath to him. She provides that now. They play tennis while i sweat the day to day responsibilities of raising and providing for our daughters. it hurts so much…

  2. Certainly a reminder to men after divorce that women suffer as well. I am sorry for your terrible situation rockme. I can offer you the same advice as I offer men during divorce, that you must change how you view yourself and your place in life. It sounds like you are deep in the anger phase of divorce grief and it is a phase you must go through.

    The more you concentrate on him and what he has done to you, the less time you are leaving concentrating on yourself and how you want to change and grow from the experience.

    I wish you the very best as do all the people who visit this blog I am certain.

  3. Found these articles of great help and at the final stages of divorce myself which i am struggling hard to accept.

    Still love my wife very much and i was the cause of the divorce which i will regret till my dying day.

    So many mistakes i made and i just want to be a good person like i once was.

    I neglicated my wife and this is my burdon to live with.

    I hope one day somehow i can be forgiven and be able to live with myself.

    Dave

  4. Hi Davi,

    Acceptance of mistakes you have made is very important. However dwelling on them too much will only cause more misery. You need to own those mistakes and reinvent yourself into the person you want to be that will not make those mistakes again.

    It is not as easy as clicking your fingers though, it will take time but you have the advantage that you are blessed with a certain amount of introspection that is required to be honest with yourself.

    Now you just need to find the positivity that can drive change for the better. I wish you all the best Davi

  5. Thank you for your reply but i find it hard because its always there with me in my mind.

    12 years of memories of different natures.

    How do i forget.How?

    Dave

  6. Hi David,

    Forgetting is not really possible. It is about changing how you view memories and how you let them affect your mental state.

    Eventually those memories will stop hurting you when they stop pressing emotional buttons inside you – but you are right, it takes a long tmie when they ride with you like a dark passenger.

    There are mental exercises you can use that will lessen the impact of hurtful memories though. I go into this in detail in my eBook on men after divorce but thy revolve around visualisation. You use your minds eye to imagine these memories as pictures for instance in one and you mentally push them away from you. OR you might visualise the memories as a covering over your skin which you wash off with hot water to feel clean again.

    It sounds silly when you first think about it but it is based on good science. When you do these exercises overand over again you are training your brain to think about those memories differently. Your memory patterns change because you are directing that change rather than having the memories themself and your hurt and greif direct how your brain works.

    I hope that helps – I will not say it will be easy, but there are actions you can take to speed the process of healing.

    All the best David.

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