Tag Archives: divorce recovery

Starting Over After Divorce For Men

Starting Over After Divorce For MenStarting over after divorce for men and women is always going to be a very long and painful event. For men in particular though there seems to be a greater shift in how they must do this which many women might not really understand – and many guys who have not been through the same things as well.

There is a certain myth, a certain misconception that men move on fast after a divorce and actually start over after divorce very easily. There are many reports of guys finding new women in a few weeks and leaving behind their old life in the dust like a cloak they could just take off and throw away. If you are a man recovering from divorce you know this is not exactly the case and that this view of men is grossly unjustified for a few reasons.

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  1. That guys you see swanning about with new women has usually NOT moved on and started his life over. This is a classic case of a guy trying to find meaning, or compensating in wrong ways for the pain he is suffering inside. Womanising, drinking, trying to feel free and forgetting their ex wife is behind this sort of activity and when done too soon this is often harmful and damaging in the long term.
  2. This is STILL a very unusual thing to see. Most divorced men take just as long to start over and come to grips with the emotional turmoil than women. The role of husband is often so ingrained into a man that being single again is disorienting and confusing. The reason you see that other guy is because he is visible – the other men are at home alone with their thoughts and memories haunting them.

This is not exactly what I wanted to talk about though, it is just something that bothers me and gives the wrong impression to society about men and men’s mental health as well. What I did want to speak about was the process you need to go through to truly be able to start over after divorce for men.

fresh start after divorceLets define what starting over is though. On this site I use a lot of phrases like “divorce recovery for men” & “life after divorce for men” and so on, and while all that could be seen to be a single facet of moving on there are some differences between each phrase. If you are looking for the words starting over after divorce for men online for instance then you are looking for a specific thing which is a new beginning, a break point from your old life into a new one. This implies a reset, a fresh start which is a good thing overall, but can be fraught with danger of you have not gone through the right process to get to this point.

As I have mentioned before on this blog a few times the feelings of despair, anger, hopelessness, and panic all comes from the same place which is a sense of grief. It is not a unique cycle that only effects the divorced, we go through the same process when a loved one dies, or we lose something very close to our heart in any way. The problem with divorce is that we lose it – but they are still around and taking you to court!

A man must go through the stages of grief and emerge form the other side with a sense of acceptance and hopefully even forgiveness (this is a loaded term, but it does not mean condoning any actions of yourself, your ex wife or any other parties – it just means it no longer bothers you.). Once a man can come to grips with the emotional turmoil and find that sense of peace and purpose then he can start over and live him life anew.

What this means is that it is not really possible to start over after divorce for guys until they get this sorted. If you think you can just dust your hands and begin a new life by moving into a new place, getting a new job, dating a new woman and all that jazz – you are mistaken. Trying to move on and start over without dealing with these issue is like building a castle on shifting sands. It is like trying to win a race with your feet nailed to the floor. You can try but you are going to hit a brick wall because you are not ready. Recovering from divorce and starting a new life is a process, not a single decision point.

My eBook goes into depth on this process but also covers the steps to starting out again and moving into a new life including dating. This is only covered after the most important part which is understanding your own mind and heart and achieving a level of peace before this new life. Click below to find out more.

Men After Divorce – Divorce Recovery For Men

 

Do Men Try Harder in Divorce?

I was reading an old post on a blog the other day while doing some research about men’s efforts in a relationship pre and post divorce and was wondering; do men try harder?

I try to never generalise because there are lazy, inconsiderate, and plain useless men out there who don’t try at all and sometimes don’t care. However, ignoring the minority of troglodytes that behave like this I have come to the conclusion men often do try harder during this phase and often in a relationship too.

The post i linked to mentions why and I will summarise. Basically it seems to be because men are naturally problem solvers and divorce is a BIG problem. W want to win, we want to solve the problem, we want to fix something that is broken. Also, men usually never have come to terms with a divorce when it is initiated which seems reasonable … but women have. Women have thought about a great deal and talked it over with many friends and family and by the time it comes to the announcement they are convinced and have shut down emotionally.

So is this a good thing or a bad thing though? We tend to be very proud of when we work hard and put an effort in whether it is cleaning the house or saving a failing marriage. However my point of view is it is neither good nor bad … it just IS.

In some ways in fact it can be bad, I am all for saving a marriage in crisis that can be saved, but when it goes beyond the point of no return we are left clinging to a fading hope by our fingernails fighting the inevitable. Then people wonder why we appear even more crushed when it does not turn out right.

This is why I am always for men moving on after divorce, not with other women, but emotionally and spiritually. In some cases this has led to reconciliation, but for the most part it simply allows a man to find his true self and be happy with the despite his relationship problems.

Trying hard does not make you a hero and does not equate to success always. When the writing is on the wall, it is time to fix your own problems (and be a good parent too) not your partners.

How to Move on After Divorce for Men – The Power of the Pen

moving on after divorceDiscovering how to move on after divorce for men can be a long and arduous process. One of the biggest problems is the turbulent state of your mind and emotions. This shifting landscape of your mind makes it difficult to really understand the truth of the situations you are in and makes it difficult to move forward because your future and direction seem to be moving all over the place.

I remember at one stage after my divorce I changed my mind four times about going on a trip to clear my head. I even went as far as booking plane tickets then cancelling them and for the life of me, I could never quite work out who I wanted to go and why i did not! This is just a minor example, but some guys have massive problems in choosing a direction or understanding themselves because a single trigger can cloud your mind with anger, depression, anxiety, and other emotions that will change your mental state.

One thing that helped me when I was dealing with this volatile situation was using a pen.

That’s right, a pen. It was not even a fancy pen! It was a regular black biro with the lid missing and one end chewed from nervous fits when I was working out legalities of the divorce. The same pen that signed the divorce papers in fact helped me to move on from the divorce as well.

Ok, this was not some magic pen, the power of it is in the written word. You see, the written word does not change when you put it on paper. Your interpretation of it can change, but a well constructed letter can have usually a single meaning that will NOT shift and change like an upset mind.

So I offer this advice for guys finding it difficult to focus, understand themselves, understand the divorce, and of course move on from it – Write stuff down!

Some things to write when you are in a good frame of mind are:

  • Your plans for the immediate future
  • Your plans for the long term
  • Your emotions and frustrations
  • A letter to your ex wife (to be burned symbolically not sent!)
  • A letter to yourself to read again when you are feeling low
  • A budget! (this is more important for your mental health than you think …)
  • And more …

Harness the power of the pen guys! I talk more about how to use the written word to help you move on after divorce in my Men After Divorce guide as well.

How Divorce For Men Can Be Good For You

I was browsing around some website the other night and found an interesting piece about why failing in a relationship can be good for you. While it never feels like ti at the time, a divorce is only going to be painful and seem like a huge waste if you believe that and continue without making this a real learning experience.

I often refer to my divorce as a rebirth because it was such a painful experience but at the end gave me a new life, a new clarity, a new purpose. All this because i eventually came to see it from a different angle and incorporated what i learned into my new life. Some of these points were put forth pretty clearly in the writers (a Douglas LaBier, Ph.D) article:

“But what can go missing is a deeper learning, emotionally and spiritually: Learning not only what went wrong in your past, failed relationships; but also learning from the residue of the loss and using that awareness in your future relationships. That means incorporating the meaning of the loss or failure into the fabric of your life, and identifying what you need to learn from it as you go forward.”

This sort of introspection comes easily to some but very hard to others. While all guys should try to be aware of this, the other challenge in my opinion is to not let your emotions twist and distort the truth to form a negative thread in this tapestry of your life. Often we think we learn, but really we simply hold grudges, and add layers of shame and blame that do not really help us with future relationships; they harm them instead.

Another paragraph that grabbed my interest:

“Their legacy becomes woven into the larger tapestry of your life, even as that tapestry enlarges over time. The challenge is to incorporate all of it; learn about yourself from all of your experiences, especially what didn’t work or what was negative…or else keep repeating new versions of it.”

The repetition of the same mistakes we make over and over again is the curse of those who do not take the time, and sometimes the painful journey of really understanding themselves and their divorce. Sometimes it is because we shy away from the truths for easier comforts of anger or self pity … or even self loathing. The easy path is never the one that brings you the most emotional and spiritual gain.

“That’s what brought to mind the old tree trunk I saw as a young boy. Damaged where the lightning had struck, I noticed that the trunk had continued to grow around it and gradually encompassed the damaged part within it. It was like oneself: Even if you continue to grow and change, learn from your experiences and continue on with your life, your losses nevertheless remain part of you…. always there, a visible, enduring part of you. But by embracing that reality, loss of failure in love can be a good thing for your future relationships; if you can learn to integrate it and meld it into your ongoing life journey, your personal “evolution.””

Evolution is a very good word for it. Nothing in our minds is a revolution, nothing changes in a moment to be so different than before that you have a whole new perspective of life. Your mind and your outlook is an evolving thing and one that you can direct with an understanding of that evolutionary psychological flow.

This is something I try to highlight in my Men After Divorce Ebook which gives that understanding of your emotions and psychological makeup and how you can then evolve into a stronger person emotionally and spiritually.

You can read the full article here:

Why Romantic-Sexual Relationship Failures Are Good For You

Divorce, Men & Self Esteem

low self esteemI just wanted to open up this blog with a discussion about self esteem for men going through divorce, and also living life after it. Firstly what do we mean by self esteem really? It is a phrase you hear quite a lot but the concept is often poorly understood at a deeper level. Divorced men in particular should know how self esteem affects their lives because it can hit a record low and not get much beyond there for a while.

Self esteem is your opinion of yourself at a surface level. It is how you feel about yourself as a person, as a father, as a partner, as a man in general. Being divorced placed a massive negative image on all of those things. It can even creep into your career making you feel you never earned enough, or on the opposite end that you worked too much and didn’t spend enough time. In the mind of a divorced man who is already feeling that he was not good enough somehow, so many more links can be found even if they are totally wrong!

This is the thing that guys need to realise after a divorce, that the low self esteem comes from within, it is not caused by outside events, but only your perception of them.

For example, a friend of mine Robert went through a divorce where he basically lost his kids to his ex wife. Rob was a good dad, he was not perfect but he was a good and attentive guy to his kids and his marriage. Of course, no one told him that directly and it wouldn’t have made any difference in his mind because his divorce and loss of his kids made him feel like a bad father. He didn’t not realise how much of his self image was tied into his view of being a good parent. From this a landslide of negativity followed. He felt his job was pointless, he felt no women would want him because he was a bad father. From this he felt unattractive and depressed and didn’t have any goals for some time.

As you can see, he was exactly the same man he was before, but the mind turned everything to shit and his self esteem plummeted. He allowed this to happen in a way because his own sense of self worth was directly targeted. The problem is his sense of self worth seemed to be dictated by circumstance and other people’s opinions and not by your own inner core beliefs.

This knowledge is part of the healing process that you must go through as a man after divorce. The next part is knowing how to fix it!

My guide on Men after Divorce explains this in more detail but knowing is half the battle as the saying goes so I hope that might help some guys 🙂

Men After Divorce E-Book Now Available

My e-book is now available to purchase from the men after divorce main page!

I would like to thank everyone who helped me put this together, gave me inspiration, and gave me helpful criticism.

My kids.
My father.
My sister in law (thanks for the edit!).
The army of guys who reviewed my earlier draft and gave me fantastic feedback!
And of course my ex-wife who I wish all the best.

If you are struggling with post-divorce life and have found your way here, I hope this e-book will be very helpful to you as it seems to have been for the other recently divorced guys whose testimonials little the front page.

I will continue to update this blog with helpful tips, interesting news pieces, and other related posts with men in mind. In the mean time, I wish everyone the best in life!

Regards,
Kyle Morrison