Tag Archives: divorce

Queensland Floods

Sorry I have not been updating this blog as much as I had hoped. Life has a way of interfering with any grand project but I am still here and looking into more ways to help guys cope after divorce!

I did want to just make a quick post about the floods in Queensland Australia which has held my attention for weeks here in Sydney. I have seen so many heart breaking stories, but also so many acts of heroism, and just kind heartedness.

I thought about the families that have lost their businesses and their entire homes and are left now with nothing and hoping for the insurance companies to be good to their word … but even then, their HOME is gone not just the house. The place of memories and laughter and everything they hold dear gone in a torrent of flooding waters.

It reminded me of a divorce in a way, the absolute sense of loss and grief … and yet I see hope through these tears and hurt behind stoic eyes on th news stories. They know this is not the end, or will do in time. they, like any divorced man must face a period of grief to come to terms with such a loss because they have to, because it is the only way.

Nature however is sometimes easier to understand than women and relationships though because it is a mindless destructive energy, but the basics of grief are still the same.

The other aspect I thought of was the huge amount of support that we are giving to our fellow Australians in this period of crisis in terms of money and emotional and physical support. This is where men after divorce often get the rough end of the stuck by not having any great amount of support, or refusing it when it is offered.

But no matter how great the support it still comes down to each individual to be able to grieve, and move on after any disaster no matter how destructive in their life. We all have that amazing ability inside of us, it can just be harder to find sometimes than we can imagine.

I am a believer in some crude sort of karma though. I think a generosity of spirit comes back to you in multitudes more of happiness and opportunity. So here is what I am going to do for my part.

I am going to donate half of my entire earnings from my Men After Divorce ebook from today until the end of February to the Queensland state government’s charity fund appeal as my way to help anyone who buys my book and for all the folks in Queensland.

If you do no purchase a copy of my book, I do implore you to donate something even very small to this appeal which you can do through this link: http://www.qld.gov.au/floods/donate.html

Some videos of the flood:

Thank you
~Kyle Morrison

How Divorce For Men Can Be Good For You

I was browsing around some website the other night and found an interesting piece about why failing in a relationship can be good for you. While it never feels like ti at the time, a divorce is only going to be painful and seem like a huge waste if you believe that and continue without making this a real learning experience.

I often refer to my divorce as a rebirth because it was such a painful experience but at the end gave me a new life, a new clarity, a new purpose. All this because i eventually came to see it from a different angle and incorporated what i learned into my new life. Some of these points were put forth pretty clearly in the writers (a Douglas LaBier, Ph.D) article:

“But what can go missing is a deeper learning, emotionally and spiritually: Learning not only what went wrong in your past, failed relationships; but also learning from the residue of the loss and using that awareness in your future relationships. That means incorporating the meaning of the loss or failure into the fabric of your life, and identifying what you need to learn from it as you go forward.”

This sort of introspection comes easily to some but very hard to others. While all guys should try to be aware of this, the other challenge in my opinion is to not let your emotions twist and distort the truth to form a negative thread in this tapestry of your life. Often we think we learn, but really we simply hold grudges, and add layers of shame and blame that do not really help us with future relationships; they harm them instead.

Another paragraph that grabbed my interest:

“Their legacy becomes woven into the larger tapestry of your life, even as that tapestry enlarges over time. The challenge is to incorporate all of it; learn about yourself from all of your experiences, especially what didn’t work or what was negative…or else keep repeating new versions of it.”

The repetition of the same mistakes we make over and over again is the curse of those who do not take the time, and sometimes the painful journey of really understanding themselves and their divorce. Sometimes it is because we shy away from the truths for easier comforts of anger or self pity … or even self loathing. The easy path is never the one that brings you the most emotional and spiritual gain.

“That’s what brought to mind the old tree trunk I saw as a young boy. Damaged where the lightning had struck, I noticed that the trunk had continued to grow around it and gradually encompassed the damaged part within it. It was like oneself: Even if you continue to grow and change, learn from your experiences and continue on with your life, your losses nevertheless remain part of you…. always there, a visible, enduring part of you. But by embracing that reality, loss of failure in love can be a good thing for your future relationships; if you can learn to integrate it and meld it into your ongoing life journey, your personal “evolution.””

Evolution is a very good word for it. Nothing in our minds is a revolution, nothing changes in a moment to be so different than before that you have a whole new perspective of life. Your mind and your outlook is an evolving thing and one that you can direct with an understanding of that evolutionary psychological flow.

This is something I try to highlight in my Men After Divorce Ebook which gives that understanding of your emotions and psychological makeup and how you can then evolve into a stronger person emotionally and spiritually.

You can read the full article here:

Why Romantic-Sexual Relationship Failures Are Good For You

Divorce, Men & Self Esteem

low self esteemI just wanted to open up this blog with a discussion about self esteem for men going through divorce, and also living life after it. Firstly what do we mean by self esteem really? It is a phrase you hear quite a lot but the concept is often poorly understood at a deeper level. Divorced men in particular should know how self esteem affects their lives because it can hit a record low and not get much beyond there for a while.

Self esteem is your opinion of yourself at a surface level. It is how you feel about yourself as a person, as a father, as a partner, as a man in general. Being divorced placed a massive negative image on all of those things. It can even creep into your career making you feel you never earned enough, or on the opposite end that you worked too much and didn’t spend enough time. In the mind of a divorced man who is already feeling that he was not good enough somehow, so many more links can be found even if they are totally wrong!

This is the thing that guys need to realise after a divorce, that the low self esteem comes from within, it is not caused by outside events, but only your perception of them.

For example, a friend of mine Robert went through a divorce where he basically lost his kids to his ex wife. Rob was a good dad, he was not perfect but he was a good and attentive guy to his kids and his marriage. Of course, no one told him that directly and it wouldn’t have made any difference in his mind because his divorce and loss of his kids made him feel like a bad father. He didn’t not realise how much of his self image was tied into his view of being a good parent. From this a landslide of negativity followed. He felt his job was pointless, he felt no women would want him because he was a bad father. From this he felt unattractive and depressed and didn’t have any goals for some time.

As you can see, he was exactly the same man he was before, but the mind turned everything to shit and his self esteem plummeted. He allowed this to happen in a way because his own sense of self worth was directly targeted. The problem is his sense of self worth seemed to be dictated by circumstance and other people’s opinions and not by your own inner core beliefs.

This knowledge is part of the healing process that you must go through as a man after divorce. The next part is knowing how to fix it!

My guide on Men after Divorce explains this in more detail but knowing is half the battle as the saying goes so I hope that might help some guys 🙂