I was reading an old post on a blog the other day while doing some research about men’s efforts in a relationship pre and post divorce and was wondering; do men try harder?
I try to never generalise because there are lazy, inconsiderate, and plain useless men out there who don’t try at all and sometimes don’t care. However, ignoring the minority of troglodytes that behave like this I have come to the conclusion men often do try harder during this phase and often in a relationship too.
The post i linked to mentions why and I will summarise. Basically it seems to be because men are naturally problem solvers and divorce is a BIG problem. W want to win, we want to solve the problem, we want to fix something that is broken. Also, men usually never have come to terms with a divorce when it is initiated which seems reasonable … but women have. Women have thought about a great deal and talked it over with many friends and family and by the time it comes to the announcement they are convinced and have shut down emotionally.
So is this a good thing or a bad thing though? We tend to be very proud of when we work hard and put an effort in whether it is cleaning the house or saving a failing marriage. However my point of view is it is neither good nor bad … it just IS.
In some ways in fact it can be bad, I am all for saving a marriage in crisis that can be saved, but when it goes beyond the point of no return we are left clinging to a fading hope by our fingernails fighting the inevitable. Then people wonder why we appear even more crushed when it does not turn out right.
This is why I am always for men moving on after divorce, not with other women, but emotionally and spiritually. In some cases this has led to reconciliation, but for the most part it simply allows a man to find his true self and be happy with the despite his relationship problems.
Trying hard does not make you a hero and does not equate to success always. When the writing is on the wall, it is time to fix your own problems (and be a good parent too) not your partners.